My thoughts on being single this time round

I’ve been thinking. People think that writing is about being inspired. For me, writing is about having uninterrupted time and space. I’m always inspired. I observe life. I observe people. I absorb energies. I analyse everything. Everything! And I process these different stimuli in the way that I know best - with words. Like many other compulsive writers, when I’m not writing, I’m thinking about what I want to write. I go over sentences, editing spontaneously as the thoughts tumble freely from my brain, all the time craving the time and space to sit down and write, write, write. Getting to that point is the tough part, for more reasons than I’d like to admit. My son said something the other day about how even plausible-sounding reasons for why we’re not pursuing our goals can simply be well-packaged forms of procrastination. Wise young man!

Every now and then, when I chat to friends I haven’t seen for months - or even years - the topic of my being single comes up. This happened twice this week, so of course I’ve had to deal with the topic and put some words to something that’s as natural and comfortable to me as breathing – to make it comprehensible to others. It’s funny how society can have such clear expectations of how one’s life is supposed to be. A kind of blueprint.  How to be happy, in three simple steps: 1. Do what you’re told when you’re a child. 2. Do what you’re told when you’re a teenager. 3. Do what you’re told when you’re an adult. It’s even funnier how we buy into all of that for such a big part of our lives. Some people die never having sorted through the crap to arrive at their own versions of what’s right and wrong. 

I became single in October 2011, after eight and a half years. I was eight and a half years older than the last time I’d been single. My children were eight and a half years older. We had all experienced eight and a half years of life since the last time I’d been single, and life had changed significantly. We all had. But what was new was that quiet, confident feeling of “now I know”. I knew who I liked being, and I knew which version of myself I’d never be again. I knew more about relationships  - their electrifying highs and their abysmal lows – and I had an open mind about the future. You’re not likely to hear me say, “I’ll never fall in love again – men are all shits and one big waste of time”. No. Not how I feel at all. I actually like men, and I like sharing my life with someone who gets me. I like physical closeness and that powerful emotional connection that defies definition. I always think, when people say, “What does she see in him?” that only she knows. Only they know what their togetherness feels like. Why are some people so devastated when a relationship ends? It’s because it was so right for them, they liked who they were with that person – the fit was perfect. We’re too quick to judge.

So these are some of my thoughts on being single at this stage of my life. I enjoy the space I have, to do the different things that life demands of me. I often wish I had more space and time, but the truth is I could make it happen if I put my mind to it. I like the autonomy being single gives me, but I also know that when I love someone, I’m capable of changing gears and of making compromises. For me, it has a lot to do with reciprocity. Does this person do special things for me, go out of his way for me, treat me like I’m precious? I’m ok with doing things for someone, as long as I’m the recipient of his assistance in some other way. I will never allow myself to be taken for granted. Never again. I will never let anyone tell me my needs within a relationship are stupid. I’ll never ever be with someone who can’t communicate, who goes silent when you raise a difficult topic. Hey, I could write a handbook: “How to be in a relationship with someone like me”.

A few years ago, a friend of mine was happily relationshipped and we were discussing my single status. I said, “Oh, you know, I have this long list of criteria, and when I meet someone, I mentally run down the list and they always seem to end up with too few ticks.” To which she replied, “Throw away the long list; stick to the main points.” I don’t know. The list seems to be getting longer. 

I know someone who joins clubs and groups, in order to meet men. That wouldn’t work for me. I’m not that interested in working hard for it. I’ve also been advised to try the dating websites – also not interested.  I basically like my life, I have more goals than anyone could possibly achieve in one lifetime (helps to be Buddhist), and occasionally I remember that another way of being is being in a relationship.

So I basically have an open mind. Someone I was involved with a few lifetimes ago re-entered my world a few weeks ago, and I realised that, while I had changed so much, he was in exactly the same headspace he had been, all those years ago – no growth perceptible at all. The wrong fit then, and the wrong fit now. And that’s sort of where I’m at on the topic. Clarissa Pinkola Estes says in her book, “Women Who Run With The Wolves”, that it’s good to be single for three years between relationships, and she explains why. When I first became single and read that, I thought, Hell no, girlfriend! But it’s been one of the most significant and profound journeys of my life, being single this time round.  No regrets. I like who I am. I didn’t like who I had become in my last relationship. So that’s growth. And growth takes time. And patience.

So, how’s this for a marketing campaign:

If you are a single male (no skeletons in the closet, leaning against the door, waiting to fall out), more or less in your 50s – I wanted to say at least 30, but that’s too much hard work! – and, oh I don’t know, have your own life and aren’t interested in smothering anyone, are a non-smoker and preferably a non-drinker (basically, you mustn’t need to drink to have fun), you have integrity, you have a sense of humour, you understand that some people will always need space, you’re attracted to nature, you love music (I’m sorry, but I might have to be more definitive, here J), you’re happy with who you are and you believe that life is filled with possibility, that one is never too old to reach for dreams, and that life has to be lived, lived, lived…… you let me know.  You never know. I might just share the rest of the checklist with you. ;-)

Oh, and it would help if you lived in Cape Town. J  

But then again, not necessarily.