Some thoughts on 2018

I can’t even relate to this date – the 17^th of December! Isn’t it August? Where did this year go?

I want to post an article, but I’m really sleepy, so I’m going to write a very broad overview of how this year has felt, for me.

I’m clear about one thing - everything is energy. I’ve become better at sensing energies and have learnt to trust my instincts.

2018 has, however, had one notable example of how wrong I can be. But it’s a journey, right?  

I think that life is all about ebb and flow, and I believe that we write our life stories by what we say yes to, and what we say no to. The big, visible leaps are the end products of the little decisions we make on a daily basis.

This year has also taught me that part of the ebb and flow is that people come and go.  Sometimes they leave, as a result of decisions made, but other times they leave permanently, through death.

This year our family lost our eldest relative, my mother’s older sister, Helen. She had turned 90 three weeks earlier, and we’d all gathered in celebration. Her death raised many issues for me. One of the realisations I had was that, no matter how old she is, and no matter how old you are, the death of your mother will always be devastatingly sad, profound and life-altering. A void is left that can never be filled.  An essential part of you leaves when she leaves.  

This year, on 1 August, I experienced the loss of a young person I had worked with, through sudden death in a car accident. Shakier Roberts was 25, recently married, and was ecstatic that his wife was expecting their first child.  He was one of the original members of The Delft Big Band, a trombonist, the band’s first manager, and a teacher at the Sekunjalo Delft Music Academy.  When I started as  the project coordinator of The Delft Big Band, in March 2016, Shakier was one of the first people I met, and he and I worked closely together for a long time. I got to know him and we developed a good relationship, built on mutual respect. His death, as well as the impact on his friends in the band, affected me profoundly.  A few days ago, on Friday, 14 Dec, his wife gave birth to a daughter - the little angel he'd loved long before she was born.

Something else that this year has reminded me is that it’s very, very important to KNOW yourself, to LIKE yourself, and to unashamedly BE yourself. I find that life as an empowered, thinking, articulate woman, can be a lonely journey, but I reckon that’s a small price to pay for sticking to your values, regardless of what everyone else around you says or does.

I have learnt to speak out against discrimination and be strong and comfortable as the only one in the group who feels that way. I’d rather say it than be assumed to be in agreement, through my silence. I always ask myself what the alternative is, and then I speak my truth.

I’ve learnt that certain people’s quest for power can turn them into strange creatures, and that you just have to be crystal clear about who you can and can’t trust. That’s all. Know your boundaries, don’t put up with shit, and know what you are prepared to be a part of and what you need to distance yourself from.

And, finally – you have to know what it is YOU need, to restore your balance, at the end of a day of working in an environment  that pulls you so far from yourself, that you fear you might forget who you  are. Know what restores your equilibrium, and claim your right to go there, to indulge in whatever it is, and to be absolutely fine with your choices.  For me, my go-to activities, for peace and tranquility, are playing my guitar, writing and reading. Also listening to music, and - of course -  dancing! 😉

Oh - one more thing: in the latter part of this year, I realised I have to make sure I make time to hang out with my friends, because life passes by so quickly, and before your know it, another year has gone. 

               View from Rhodes Memorial, a place I visited twice recently, after a few years.

To be perfectly honest - Written 5 Sept 2018

There’ve been three occasions when I’ve found myself at the crossroads with regard to my professional life. The first was in 1997, after I’d taken a voluntary severance package (‘’the package’’) from the Education Dept, the second was in 2006, when a business venture didn’t work out, and the third was in 2010, when I was retrenched from a language school.

On two of those occasions, I had sessions with life coaches. Each of them (there were two) gave me a lot of insight into myself, including a no-holds-barred look at my strengths and weaknesses. It’s not easy being told that what you consider a virtue is actually a liability, and is holding you back in life, and keeping you from realising your dreams. In my case, it is perfectionism. I often joke that being a perfectionist is time-consuming, but it’s true! And what it effectively does is keep you from moving forward.

Over the years, I’ve learnt, from my life coaches and from things I’ve read or encountered in Ted Talks, that perfectionism is a form of self-sabotage, and is often fear-based. What came as a surprise to me, the first time I was told this, was that I had a fear of success! I’d never even considered that a possibility!

Tonight I decided to think about choices I’d made that were not fear-based, but that were actually made as a complete departure from my default mode of perfectionism.

The best example is my music life. I took piano lessons as a child, and passed Grade 1. I was an okay student, and just loved music. Music made me happy, and was a huge part of my life, because my mom was an opera singer. In my teens, I started playing guitar, and discovered that that was my instrument. I’d always loved singing, and started playing guitar to accompany my singing. Over time, I went from teaching myself to taking lessons with different teachers, each of whom taught me a lot and inspired me to keep pursuing what I loved – making music.  I learnt a mixture of theory and practical, but never went further with my music grades.

Forty years later, I still sing and play my guitar – in fact I do so as a second job. Many people I work with don’t know I’m also a musician. So how does this end up being an example of not being a perfectionist? Basically, I’m working as a musician, but I don’t have the preferred background.  I haven’t studied music at university, I’m so definitely not on the A-list of musicians in Cape Town, and I’m so never going to be asked to perform at certain events in the city. 

But what do I do with my music? I entertain people (usually with covers of well-known songs), I perform my original material (usually at concerts) and I collaborate with other musicians.

Do I earn money from it? Not truckloads, but a bit.  Enough to top up my day-job earnings and make a difference to my household. 

 Does it make me happy? 

More than anyone could ever possibly know.

Wed 14 Nov 2018

As I sit in the sanctuary of my room, while the clock slowly edges towards midnight, I’m frustrated at all the things that prevent me from sticking to a routine. But my frustration goes way beyond that – I have that standing-at-the-edge-of-a-precipice feeling that warns me that, unless I turn around and choose a new path, the one I’m on will lead to my destruction.

I’m amazed at how much one can put up with before feeling that one has reached breaking point. I think humans are extremely resilient, and can find ways to mitigate the unacceptable, through things like creative pursuits, sports, or other pleasurable pastimes. We know how to work on restoring the balance we so badly crave. 

But the truth is, more people are diagnosed with depression and other mental health illnesses than ever before. Many of those people have to be institutionalised. A growing percentage of functional people with mental illnesses booking themselves into facilities occasionally, to find the peace and tranquillity they can’t find anywhere else. My way of expressing it is that everyone at some stage needs a ‘’soft landing’’. I’ve realised that the best friendships we have are with people who instinctively provide us with that soft landing.  

Right now, I have an exaggerated feeling of never having enough time, of people having unrealistic expectations of me, and of being overwhelmed. 

Stirrings of September

"You are what you repeatedly do", says one of the motivational quotations up on my wall at home.

One of my frustrations is that I call myself a singer-songwriter, but I haven't written a whole song (I've got unfinished bits here and there) in quite a while. Fortunately, I have a stubborn streak, so even if I haven't produced a song in a while, I fiercely believe that I'm still a songwriter. I also believe that every writer hits a dry patch, and that a patch is, by its very nature, temporary.

                                Our grapevine, slowly revealing its potential, after its dry patch. Sun 30/09/18

Bringing it back to the present: life has shown me, once again, that it sometimes takes an external stimulus to get my creativity kick-started.

A few days ago, I was invited to make a speech at a graduation ceremony in October, AND to sing a song at the end of my speech! You may be surprised that my first reaction (thought, not said) was, "'Oh no - I hate wearing more than one hat at a time!" But I've learnt to overrule that reaction, because it has no place in the life I've chosen to live - a life of, despite being scared, some of the time, saying YES to more requests than before, because those Yesses often turn out to be not only interesting experiences, but doors to new possibilities/opportunities.

(I need to write a song about how opening one door leads to a second door, etc. I also feel that when we leave situations, some doors need to be firmly shut and others left ajar.)

It dawned on me that the most authentic response I could have, when given the privilege of addressing a gathering like this, was to write a song for them. So, last night, after my gig, I started. It's going to capture the essence of my speech, and it will be something that has the potential to move my audience. I've thought of an interesting way to perform the song, and something else..... but I don't want to reveal too much!

Yup! I'm back!

As any creative person would know, ALL I want to do now is finish the song!!! So far this morning, I've done laundry and some other things around the house, but all the time I've had the part I wrote last night buzzing in my head. I feel like a Nutty Professor, when I'm like this. I'm skipping the shops today, to create space to continue writing, but that household list (and that list of unavoidable office work) is long!

Let's see what else I can say No to, today, to open up some space for a Yes.

                                        A breathtakingly beautiful September day in Cape Town. 30/09/18

A Single Truth

I encountered a really unfortunate way of thinking,  recently, and I just have to write about it. 

There are people who seem to think that when a woman puts effort into her appearance, by either wearing something nice or changing her hair, that this has to, in some way, be aimed at finding a man. I recently had my hair cut quite short, and a few people, in complimenting me, added something like, "Now you need to go on a date", or "'Oooh... and who's this for?" or, "So? What's his name?" (You should see my face!)

So here I am, being the real Trudy. My blog is one of the few spaces in my life where I can vent  about all the crap I encounter on an almost-daily basis. 

I have been single for almost 7 years. (This is not regret - this is historical context.) I became single after a break-up. I told myself I'd give myself six months to grieve, and then I'd ''move on'' - which is generally interpreted as "get into my next relationship"'. Even I thought that, at the time. 

However, life had other things in store for me, and my life did indeed move on, but in very different and interesting ways. 

In the past 7 years, I've changed my job twice, each time accepting a position that excited and challenged me. In 2013, I started a three-year stint as a lecturer at College of Cape Town, teaching English First Additional Language to young adults studying at Grade 10 level. It was interesting, I learnt a lot, I was able to use a lot of my previous work and life experience, I met cool people, and I'm sure I impacted on some students' lives.   

In 2015, I was offered an exciting position in the private sector, by which time I was ready for a new beginning. The job became a reality only in 2016, when I happily left teaching, to work as a Project Coordinator for Survé Philanthropies, with my main project being The Delft Big Band NPC (now called Sekunjalo Delft Big Band), which included a community music school.  

In January 2015, I was offered a solo gig at Sabria's Restaurant, in Wynberg, not too far from where I lived. Three and a half years later, I'm still there, playing my guitar and singing to the diners once a week. It satisfies my need to perform and brings in some extra income for my family. It also exposes me to a market of people who ask for my card and hire me for private functions. 

Some of the highlights of my music life have happened in the last 7 years: 

- yes, having a resident solo gig at a restaurant is significant to me

- recording four original songs with Wayne Bosch in 2012

- doing December concerts with Wayne since 2013

- doing a concert of originals with Errol Dyers in 2014

- recording videos of my songs, ''In the Shade of Table Mountain'' and ''Joe'' (both on YouTube) 

- doing a trio concert with Errol and Mervyn Africa in Athlone (2016) 

- travelling to perform in Pietermaritzburg with Errol and Mervyn (2016)

- a concert in July 2017, where I got to sing my own songs with Keith Tabisher, Dylan Tabisher and 

  Abubakar Petersen (tenor sax player from the Sekunjalo DBB)

Both my children matriculated and did gap years in the past 7 years, and I have bonded with them like I was not able to, before. They're both doing tertiary studies now. As our children grow, they don't need us less - they need us in different ways. I love the time I spend with my children, and cherish every moment we have together.

My mother's health changed in 2012, when she was diagnosed with Amnestic Syndrome. A year later, the diagnosis was Alzheimer's Disease. Six years down the line, this is a huge part of our lives.    

In the past 7 years, I've allowed life to impact on me, to move me, to inspire me, to shake me out of my comfort zone and open my heart to so many possibilities.

I've grown to accept and appreciate myself as an introvert, and to stop feeling I have to apologise for not liking parties or loud gatherings in general, and for preferring solitude. I have resumed my reading habit, I have made time to practise my music, I have filled my life with lots of things that are meaningful to me, and I have found that being single suits me perfectly - I can spend time by myself, indulging in all my solo hobbies, and not feel I'm neglecting or disappointing anybody. 

I set my own expectations and standards, and take them seriously.  

Some of the most important lessons I've learnt are:

- the loudest person in the room is seldom the smartest 

- people will treat you like you allow them to - so YOU set the boundaries firmly in place

- if you're not happy about any part of your life, don't just complain - do something to make it better, or get out & find your next new beginning

- once you find what rocks your world, fill your life with that, to the best of your ability

- decide what's worth investing yourself in and what's not - it makes life a lot less complicated   

- when you live your truth, you will encounter like-minded people and they will brighten your world - electricity between people doesn't always have to be romantic energy

This was meant to be one of those short posts, but it seems I had a lot to say. I haven't even written about all the cool things that have happened in my current job, like site visits to NGOs doing very important work with marginalised communities, some exciting gigs the band has done, and my trip to Sweden in 2017. I also haven't mentioned my daughter's trip to Thailand in Grade 10 (we raised the money, doing concerts!!!), or her trip to Scotland in her gap year, funded with money she raised by working three jobs. Or the car I bought to replace my old jalopy, in 2016. 

So what's the point of all of this? The point is: life is full. Life is busy, life is exciting and challenging. Life flings me around, like a rollercoaster, and at other times, cradles me in its loving arms. Life is laughter, and also tears. Life is good news and devastation. Life is family, recipes, generations, the guitar, piano and ukulele, the fruit trees in the yard, the wind howling and the hail falling. Life is roaches in summer and geckos, too. Life is cyclical and predictable, but also full of surprises.

Life is yielding and forgiving; it sings to me, and waits for my response. Life rocks me to and fro, and reminds me, in the simplest of ways, that I am a very lucky woman. I take nothing for granted. I cherish what I have, and I consciously model to my children (young adults) the values and sensitivities that will enable them to continue my legacy of living a gentler alternative. 

Alternative. Not following the pack. I have great role models all around me and I am proud to be a woman, both strong & gentle, who can celebrate herself for who she is, and not for whom she might attract. So, ja - the next time you compliment a single woman on her appearance, don't ruin the moment by saying that all she needs now is a man! Asseblief tog! Eish!  

                                    

                                                               Sat, 28 July 2018

        

Extreme balance

WHY AM I STILL UP?????

I've just finished some office work, it's almost midnight, I've had to skip two of my plans for the night (restringing my guitar and doing a dance workout - :-( ), but I really wanted to write, so here goes. I know..... I'm setting myself up to feel like a dead duck tomorrow morning.

People are really strange - just when I think I've figured someone out, they do something that shows a completely different side. And here, you may be surprised to know, I include myself. I regard myself as someone who craves routine, likes stability, dependability, predictability...... but that's not who I am all of the time. I actually have a side that hates all of those things, and prefers more of a ''let's-see-what's-behind-Door-No.-Next'' approach to life. Truth!

Ooh, I can feel my eyes drooping, so I won't write for long. I just wanted to say that life is for the living, and however you choose to do it, be true to yourself, keep an open mind, allow yourself to play sometimes, and harm no-one.

I've struggled for most of my adult life to find that balance between work and play, and now, at age 56, I feel like maybe I've misunderstood the concept of balance - maybe I'm going to find my version of balance by swinging between the routine-loving and the chaos-seeking me.  Ja, that's it - I do live a balanced life; I just attain it by regularly swinging from one extreme to the other. :-)

Happy to be alive, right now. How about you?

                                                    Sat 21 July 2018, after my Sabria's gig.

Aligned

Tonight, I remarked that I needed to get ready for my early rise tomorrow, to which my daughter replied: “Mom, you have so much responsibility in every part of your life – how do you manage?”

I thought about it a bit, then said, “You get used to it.”

Of course, it got me thinking about what it was that actually enabled me to cope. I think a big part of who I am is attributable to my mother and how she raised us, as a single mom. There was something self-sacrificing about her, and I used to think to myself that, if there were a martyr gene, I hoped I wouldn’t inherit it! But I do come from a strong matriarchal lineage, and I think that women have such a fierce love for their offspring, that the martyr thing is unavoidable.

When I’m feeling really low and overwhelmed, depressed about how expensive everything is and how capitalism sucks, I feel totally alienated from my essential self and all the wonderful things that make me happy. In those times, I ask myself, “Whose life am I living?” I suppose we all dip into that abyss every now and then, don’t we?

But fortunately, we’re wired to be optimistic, always looking for something positive to say, so that life isn’t just one long depressive episode, where we’re sitting on our beds, counting coins and the number of days left before Pay Day. 

Tonight, I danced. My dancing days are Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, but this has been such a weird week, that I last danced on Sunday. When you dance, just like any other form of aerobic exercise, you get to a point where you’re so thoroughly warmed up, that it seems your body is running itself – it’s like your mind doesn’t need to be engaged, because you’re just a moving body. You’re the observer. I love the feeling! I always dance to music that I like, so it’s a pleasurable activity. The feeling of exercising rhythmically makes me smile and feel alive. In fact, with my current lifestyle, dancing is the most movement I do at any time – I don’t run and I don’t swim; I don’t even walk for exercise, which is something I love.

So while I was dancing tonight, with my body knowing what to do, I could drift off on an independent thought journey and contemplate the things in my life that make me happy, and that are in tune with my essential self. Right now, those things are dancing, playing my guitar and singing, writing, reading, being with people I love, and eating healthy food.  

And what about all those hours spent doing my day job? Well, I happen to be lucky there, as well, because I work in an established company, in a modern building, with a beautiful view. Most of the people are nice. More than that, I work in philanthropy, which enables me to be involved in making cool things happen for people who need various kinds of help. It’s important to me that my job and my value system are aligned. 

How awesome is this? Tomorrow morning, I’m going to be involved in something VERY exciting, at the Sekunjalo Delft Music Academy, but I can’t give details - it’s a secret. Oooooooh!!!!

Looks like I’ll be doing another blog post soon.  Yay! I love writing! 

                                                           Thurs 12 July 2018