A Single Truth

I encountered a really unfortunate way of thinking,  recently, and I just have to write about it. 

There are people who seem to think that when a woman puts effort into her appearance, by either wearing something nice or changing her hair, that this has to, in some way, be aimed at finding a man. I recently had my hair cut quite short, and a few people, in complimenting me, added something like, "Now you need to go on a date", or "'Oooh... and who's this for?" or, "So? What's his name?" (You should see my face!)

So here I am, being the real Trudy. My blog is one of the few spaces in my life where I can vent  about all the crap I encounter on an almost-daily basis. 

I have been single for almost 7 years. (This is not regret - this is historical context.) I became single after a break-up. I told myself I'd give myself six months to grieve, and then I'd ''move on'' - which is generally interpreted as "get into my next relationship"'. Even I thought that, at the time. 

However, life had other things in store for me, and my life did indeed move on, but in very different and interesting ways. 

In the past 7 years, I've changed my job twice, each time accepting a position that excited and challenged me. In 2013, I started a three-year stint as a lecturer at College of Cape Town, teaching English First Additional Language to young adults studying at Grade 10 level. It was interesting, I learnt a lot, I was able to use a lot of my previous work and life experience, I met cool people, and I'm sure I impacted on some students' lives.   

In 2015, I was offered an exciting position in the private sector, by which time I was ready for a new beginning. The job became a reality only in 2016, when I happily left teaching, to work as a Project Coordinator for Survé Philanthropies, with my main project being The Delft Big Band NPC (now called Sekunjalo Delft Big Band), which included a community music school.  

In January 2015, I was offered a solo gig at Sabria's Restaurant, in Wynberg, not too far from where I lived. Three and a half years later, I'm still there, playing my guitar and singing to the diners once a week. It satisfies my need to perform and brings in some extra income for my family. It also exposes me to a market of people who ask for my card and hire me for private functions. 

Some of the highlights of my music life have happened in the last 7 years: 

- yes, having a resident solo gig at a restaurant is significant to me

- recording four original songs with Wayne Bosch in 2012

- doing December concerts with Wayne since 2013

- doing a concert of originals with Errol Dyers in 2014

- recording videos of my songs, ''In the Shade of Table Mountain'' and ''Joe'' (both on YouTube) 

- doing a trio concert with Errol and Mervyn Africa in Athlone (2016) 

- travelling to perform in Pietermaritzburg with Errol and Mervyn (2016)

- a concert in July 2017, where I got to sing my own songs with Keith Tabisher, Dylan Tabisher and 

  Abubakar Petersen (tenor sax player from the Sekunjalo DBB)

Both my children matriculated and did gap years in the past 7 years, and I have bonded with them like I was not able to, before. They're both doing tertiary studies now. As our children grow, they don't need us less - they need us in different ways. I love the time I spend with my children, and cherish every moment we have together.

My mother's health changed in 2012, when she was diagnosed with Amnestic Syndrome. A year later, the diagnosis was Alzheimer's Disease. Six years down the line, this is a huge part of our lives.    

In the past 7 years, I've allowed life to impact on me, to move me, to inspire me, to shake me out of my comfort zone and open my heart to so many possibilities.

I've grown to accept and appreciate myself as an introvert, and to stop feeling I have to apologise for not liking parties or loud gatherings in general, and for preferring solitude. I have resumed my reading habit, I have made time to practise my music, I have filled my life with lots of things that are meaningful to me, and I have found that being single suits me perfectly - I can spend time by myself, indulging in all my solo hobbies, and not feel I'm neglecting or disappointing anybody. 

I set my own expectations and standards, and take them seriously.  

Some of the most important lessons I've learnt are:

- the loudest person in the room is seldom the smartest 

- people will treat you like you allow them to - so YOU set the boundaries firmly in place

- if you're not happy about any part of your life, don't just complain - do something to make it better, or get out & find your next new beginning

- once you find what rocks your world, fill your life with that, to the best of your ability

- decide what's worth investing yourself in and what's not - it makes life a lot less complicated   

- when you live your truth, you will encounter like-minded people and they will brighten your world - electricity between people doesn't always have to be romantic energy

This was meant to be one of those short posts, but it seems I had a lot to say. I haven't even written about all the cool things that have happened in my current job, like site visits to NGOs doing very important work with marginalised communities, some exciting gigs the band has done, and my trip to Sweden in 2017. I also haven't mentioned my daughter's trip to Thailand in Grade 10 (we raised the money, doing concerts!!!), or her trip to Scotland in her gap year, funded with money she raised by working three jobs. Or the car I bought to replace my old jalopy, in 2016. 

So what's the point of all of this? The point is: life is full. Life is busy, life is exciting and challenging. Life flings me around, like a rollercoaster, and at other times, cradles me in its loving arms. Life is laughter, and also tears. Life is good news and devastation. Life is family, recipes, generations, the guitar, piano and ukulele, the fruit trees in the yard, the wind howling and the hail falling. Life is roaches in summer and geckos, too. Life is cyclical and predictable, but also full of surprises.

Life is yielding and forgiving; it sings to me, and waits for my response. Life rocks me to and fro, and reminds me, in the simplest of ways, that I am a very lucky woman. I take nothing for granted. I cherish what I have, and I consciously model to my children (young adults) the values and sensitivities that will enable them to continue my legacy of living a gentler alternative. 

Alternative. Not following the pack. I have great role models all around me and I am proud to be a woman, both strong & gentle, who can celebrate herself for who she is, and not for whom she might attract. So, ja - the next time you compliment a single woman on her appearance, don't ruin the moment by saying that all she needs now is a man! Asseblief tog! Eish!  

                                    

                                                               Sat, 28 July 2018