The Daily Music Show - Reflecting after Gig No. 3

This started out as a Facebook post, but I realised I had a lot to say, so I switched over to my blog.

Last night was my third consecutive night of singing at this interesting and increasingly-fascinating venue. You may be surprised to know that I have never done a run like this before, going to a venue night after night and singing - especially not my originals, which are usually wrapped in tissue paper and taken out for special occasions, like my annual concert with Wayne Bosch, or the odd event where originals are celebrated, such as house concerts or poetry events.

As I've returned to the space day after day, it's begun to seep into my consciousness, even my identity, as have the people there, each adding his/her special ingredient to what ends up being a fragrant and delicious pot of home-made Kaapse bredie. :-)

I've sung there for the past three nights, and each night has been distinctly different from the other. Onstage, I've worked with two bands, so the feeling of making music, of singing my originals, has been different. The instruments have been different, as have the people playing them. Add to that the audience composition, which changes every night, and you have the most interesting shift of dynamics. As a result, the energy and the kaleidoscope of emotions while I'm singing my songs, baring my soul, have been very different on each night.

Everything to an artist is energy. Your emotions threaten to override everything, but you learn to keep them in check, and carry on, regardless of the whirlpool inside.

On the first night, I forgot to take photos, but on the second night, I made sure we posed and captured the event for posterity. Last night, my third night there, a professional photographer (Jeffrey Abrahams) was there, snapping away, and we ended up having really good photos of last night's performance, as well as of the band posing together at the end of the gig. It was the last night in this run that I would be working with that band: Rudy Burns (guitar), Bernie Lawrence (bass guitar) and Errol Davids (sax). I loved working with them, and felt quite sad having to say goodbye. But it's up to us to create more opportunities to work together, right? These are memories to document and cherish. Thank you so much, Jeffrey! You are a true artist!

L-R: Bernie, Rudy, me and Errol (16/02/19 - Pic by Jeffrey Abrahams)

What's also interesting is seeing other people's photos and videos, after the event. The age of technology we live in fascinates me. Thanks to everyone for sharing their videos and pics on Facebook. The impact is greater than you may think.

I have four more nights (Mon 18 - Thurs 21) at this very special spot in our Mother City, and I plan to enjoy every one of them. I look forward to singing with Keith Tabisher (guitar), who's been my music partner for 16 years, as well as with Alistair Andrews (bass guitar) - he was my first guitar teacher at Jazz Workshop, many moons ago - and Randall Cyster (drums), with whom I sang decades ago. A very different sound and energy to the other band I worked with, but that's part of the exciting buzz of this place - The Daily Music Show.

I can't end this post without acknowledging Joey Fourie, who designed the concept and is finally seeing his dream come alive. Joey is the host of The Daily Music Show, and his whacky, think-out-of-the-box energy is a huge part of the vibe of this place. He's not afraid to try something different, shake things up, add a new element, even at short notice. If you can appreciate the possibilities that open up with that approach, you will love The Daily Music Show. Joey is a true entrepreneur, he loves Cape Town and all it has to offer, he's currently putting in the effort while the concept is going through its crawling stages, and he's got the tenacity and the endurance to see it through to its inevitable success. Joey deserves our support. He's breathing new life into the CBD, with this venture, and doing what we've been saying this city needs, in the humblest of ways. Yet, this is a concept that is destined for huge success.

L-R: Craig Berry, Joey, me, Kenny Alexander (resident artist), Keith and Alistair. (15/02/19)

I believe, with all my heart, that one day, in the not-too-distant future, tourists from all over the world will not want to leave Cape Town without having experienced The Daily Music Show.

No more pedestals

Over the years, I have been disappointed by people - acquaintances, colleagues, friends, lovers and even family members. I've finally figured out what I need to do differently, and it's just another aspect of self-preservation. 

I have a  tendency to put people on pedestals - I see only their good points, their strengths, their achievements, how nice they seem, how funny they are, and many other characteristics that I admire. Even when people caution me against individuals they've had bad experiences with, I go ahead and do my own thing - occasionally with disastrous effects.  

But the older I get, the more I realise ...well....just how ordinary most people are, and that the pedestals I've been putting them on are undeserved. But it's not their fault - I'm the one who put them there. 

So, after the umpteenth disappointment by someone I'd looked up to and respected, I've decided that I'm not putting people on pedestals anymore. I will regard everyone I meet as ordinary and capable of disappointing me, and I'll take it from there.

Another thing I'm really tired of is the celebrity culture we have, here in Cape Town (and I suppose all over the world). In Afrikaans, the word "verskrik" best describes that kind of hero-worship. I'm often shocked to see how people who should know better,  fall into that trap. So if you're an honest, decent person, who operates in a principled way, you're reliable, a person of your word and  consistently respectful towards others, that can actually count for very little, in certain circles; but if you're well-known, well, THEN you're worth something. What is it about celebrity-verskrik people, anyway? Aspiring to celebrity status themselves and believing that they might achieve it by association? Hilarious. And sad.  

So back to the pedestal matter - there are local celebrities I also put on pedestals, until they showed me how little regard they had for others, how bigoted and self-aggrandising  they were, and how all you're good for is to give them access to your networks (which you've spent decades building).   

So fuck all of that! I haven't aspired to toeing the mainstream line for many years, and I don't intend to do so now. 

So - no more putting of people on pedestals. 

The people of substance in my life, whom I deeply admire and for whom I'd go out of my way, are so comfortable with who they are, so busy doing what they're passionate about and pursuing their goals, living their truths,  exploring deeper issues, trying to make the world a better place, that they don't constantly seek external approval or validation. 

Or pedestals.  

                    I find solace in nature. Sunset in Camps Bay - Fri 8 Feb 2019.

New Moon in Aquarius

Two days ago, we had the New Moon in Aquarius. I can't tell you what it means, other than that the best time to start a new project is between New Moon and Full Moon.

Once again, I've set my alarm, with the aim of finishing this post in thirty minutes. Let's see. I struggle with brevity.

I'm fascinated by the energy of 2019, so far. At the beginning of 2018, I embarked on a healthier-lifestyle journey, starting with changing my eating habits and trying to exercise (dance) more often. In the process, I lost 12,9kg, regained some of it, and ended the year with a net loss of 10kg. No matter how hard I am on myself about the weight I regained, it doesn't change the fact that I now eat differently, I shop differently, and I have a different awareness about the link between what I eat and how I feel - 'bad' carbs make me depressed, unmotivated and sluggish, whereas foods like protein, fruit and veg lift my energy, make me feel happier and more positive about everything. I've learnt to enjoy salad with at least two of my meals every day, and to avoid junk food. I've also learnt that those very people who make fun of you for making healthier choices are sometimes the ones who, once they've seen the positive result in you, go on to emulate you.

Bottom line, though - I do what makes me happy, I ignore the teasing and cynicism, and I live my truth. 

But the 2019 energy is even more exciting - I feel fearless, ready and not prepared to make excuses anymore. I love it! It affects every area of my life, and I'm learning to discern very quickly which factors cause blockages that prevent me from forging ahead. Identifying them is one step, and then doing something about it is another.

Last year, the book that influenced me a lot (am reading it for the third time now) was The Artist's Way (Julia Cameron) and this year it's The Secret (Rhonda Byrne). I listen to the audio book (online) and I'm allowing it to soak in, marinate and flavour my life. Some of the lessons I've taken to heart are:

1. The most important part of the Law of Attraction is the last 6 letters of ''attraction'': ACTION.

One of the contributors says: ''Act in spite of fear. Act in spite of doubt. Act in spite of worry.'' (Man, did I need those words!!!)

2. Trust what you're attracted to.

3. Reject rejection.

There are many more, but I'm serious about this being a 30-minute blog post.

So here I am, feeling ready. Here I am, feeling fearless. Here I am, tired of making excuses that even I don't buy anymore. And here I am - finally at that point where living my truth has become so much more tangible. And natural and inevitable.

On Sat 2 Feb, I started teaching a beginner guitar class for women. I have six women in this class, and there's been interest from a few others, which might mean I'll start a second class in a month or two's time. I fully believe that, if I were to advertise more widely, I could get a lot more interest. All I know is - I LOVE teaching people to play the guitar, I LOVE making a difference in women's lives, and I LOVE having this new energy to finally add more music to my life.

(You hear that Universe? MORE MUSIC!..... Thank you!)

My new energy sees me tackling old neglected things at home and in no time at all, sorting them out. WHO IS THIS WOMAN? AND WHERE'S SHE BEEN ALL MY LIFE?

What's brought it on? I don't know. Maybe it's a maturity thing. Maybe it's an age thing. Maybe external factors have also nudged me to this point.

Whatever it is, I have no doubt that everything I'll be doing in 2019 is leading to something spectacular in 2020. I suppose you could call it my 2020 vision. (eye roll)

32 minutes!! :-)

Checking in, early in 2019

I have three hours on my hands.

Who am I?

Trudy Rushin

Where am I?

Sitting in my car, in Granger Bay, watching the sea.

How am I?

Filled with excitement about the year ahead, with its new energies. I love the feeling of starting a year feeling a little wiser and clearer, based on the previous year’s experiences and lessons. I feel ready for the twists and turns that will inevitably arise. More than that, I feel readier than ever to step out of my comfort zone and push my boundaries.

Why am I?

I must admit, this answer comes down to two things, and I’ve decided they are enough:

1.    I choose to stay alive, for my children. I gave birth to them, I love them and I live my life with as much peace, gratitude and - most importantly – authenticity as I can, to give them a glimpse of what’s possible.

2.    My other reason for living is that I made this choice long ago: “I’m alive, so I might as well be very alive.”’ I have an insatiable curiosity about what lies ahead, and that’s why I refuse to give up, even when faced with circumstances that feel hopeless. If I do decide to give up on something, it’s always to move on to something else. I will never ever give up on life.    

 

                                                             Granger Bay, Sat 19/01/19

If the past two weeks are anything to go by, 2019 is going to be a year of intense and surprising experiences. Last week alone, I had three experiences which were really, really intense, and I thought to myself, “Fuuuuuuuck! We’re not even halfway through the first month, and this is what's already come my way!!’’  

I’m teaching myself to reflect on life regularly – daily, ideally – so that I don’t have a backlog of issues to deal with. I want to deal with things and dispel any uncomfortable energy as soon as possible, because the next episode could easily take place the next day, and you’ve not dealt with the previous day’s crap yet.

What I have also decided – and I love the clarity I feel on this – is that I will learn the lessons, no matter what. Two of my encounters last week were difficult conversations with people I’d known for a long time, which revealed aspects of them that took me by surprise. The issues were so fundamental to my value system, that those encounters may actually have caused permanent damage to those relationships.

Something I first read about in “Women Who Run With The Wolves”, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, is what she calls the ''Life-Death-Life cycle''. Coming to terms with this concept has equipped me with the emotional tools to handle the many forms of death we encounter, including the death of relationships. The truth is that there’s always life afterwards, no matter how hard the loss is and how profoundly debilitating the grief may be – there’s always life afterwards. When precious relationships come to an end, for one reason or another, I allow myself to go through all the stages of grief necessary, and I look forward to the tranquility that eventually comes. Because it always does. Eventually.

One of the things I will no longer do is make excuses for people who don’t deserve my support; I’d rather remain silent than speak in favour of someone undeserving.

So in one week, two people who’d been in my heart for many years, let me down very badly. I spoke my truth, I invited further engagement and all I encountered was an inflexible, brick-wall response. I then processed the feelings in my thoughts and in my writing, and I reached a point of clarity and peace. It’s not my job to change people who refuse to acknowledge that they’re being closed-minded. They can continue being closed-minded, but without me in their lives. And life goes on. I have a lot to look forward to, and looking back is not on my agenda.

The third experience was being part of a group of women who got together to have a baby shower for the wife of a man who’d been the trusted handyman of a friend, Patrick Johannes, who’d recently died. What made the gathering so intense (read, profound and moving) was that Patrick had been savagely murdered by intruders, in the very room in which we gathered. For most of us, it was the first time we’d entered the house since his death, and being there was strange, to say the least. Most of us had never met the mother-to-be before, but the impact of our gesture, on her and her husband, warmed our hearts. At least this experience, while qualifying as intense, was a positive one. I met a few women of substance I’d never met before, and it was Patrick who had brought us together, even after his death. Thanks to Michele for initiating the whole thing.

Naturally, the conversation drifted from one thing to another, including Patrick’s colourful and compassionate life, and his brutal, tragic and untimely death. I found myself being supported emotionally by people I’d never met before. How weird and wonderful. I was struck by the power in that space, that feeling of ‘’this is so right’’, but also by the irony of meeting to celebrate a person yet to be born, in the home of a beloved friend who was now dead.

It’s the 19^th of January. There are 345 more days in this year! Wow! What can I say about the rest of 2019? Bring it on!

                                            Another pic of Granger Bay, 19/01/19

My festive season break

From 1983 till early 2016, I worked as a teacher, except for two periods of about 2 years, when I did other things. For 19 of those years, I taught in the government education sector (primary school, high school and college) and enjoyed the quarterly breaks, as well as what was then a 5-to-6-week holiday over Dec-Jan. Wonderfully restorative, and something I took for granted. 

Since March 2016, I've been working in the corporate sector.  I get about 20 days of annual leave, which I spread throughout the year, saving a cluster for the December break. With the public holidays and weekends, I end up getting an uninterrupted break of about two weeks. During the year, I love taking my annual leave in half days, especially around gigs or other events, which makes me feel like I've had more than  20 days. 

I'm a list-maker; before I go into anything, I have to make a list. My list for this holiday has 19 items on it. I've done 6 so far. :-) But they were six significant ones, the biggest being ''Concert with Wayne".  Yeah!!! Our 5th one since he moved to Pretoria in early 2013. 

I live a short drive from the nearest beach - about 10 - 15 mins - and I always plan to go to the beach, during my holiday. But there are two things I REALLY HATE, and avoid whenever possible: traffic jams, and crowded places. Today is New Year's Day, one of the big beach days in Cape Town. So is tomorrow. So my plan is to do other things (from the list) for these two days, and then attempt a beach visit on the 3rd. Wish me luck!

My mom's with me this week, and her daily rhythms are completely different to ours, so there's always the unknown factor in terms of her being awake or even being interested in going anywhere. You have to take it one day at a time, that's all.  

What I love most about holidays is the change of pace: the absence of meetings and deadlines, the luxury of waking up without an alarm, and most of all, not having to sit in a soul-numbing traffic jam twice a day. Do you know that when Cape Town's traffic is crazy (because of weather or accidents), it can take me 90 minutes to do a 22km trip?! On a day like that, that means 3 hours in traffic on one day! I dream of living closer to work, but rentals are ridiculous, so I'll stay where I am. I live on a hill, in a cul de sac, and it's actually a very peaceful spot. I've been here almost 22 years. I will have to move one day, though. 

And our December holidays fall in our summer season, so it's glorious weather, loads of wonderful, mood-enhancing sunshine, laundry gets dry quickly, thanks to  the ever-present south-easterly wind, and there's just this lifetime of happy associations of summer and holiday, of sunshine and leisure time. 

I love writing, but during the working year, I'm constantly frustrated at how little time I have left to do the things that bring me joy - every day seems filled to the brim with responsibility. One of the reasons I stay up so late is that I want to do so much in the evenings, but I generally can't achieve them and get to bed before midnight. That's something I'm going to change, this year.

My word for 2019 is ''rhythm'', and that includes things like getting enough sleep, and managing my time better, so that I don't automatically feel out of balance once the working year starts. 

This year, I want to look after and love myself in the same way I do the people in my close circle. I think that's important. I'm putting Trudy back on my agenda. I have some serious intentions for this year, and I'm readier than I've ever been. No more second-guessing myself. 

As Rafiki says, in The Lion King: "'It is time!"'

                               After my Sabria's gig, on 15 Dec 2018. Photo by Summer

More thoughts on 2018

I think the biggest lessons I've learnt, this year, have come as a result of new experiences, including new challenges I set myself, new tasks I was assigned at work, and new people I encountered, in both my personal and professional spheres.

I've learnt to trust people less, which is more of a self-preservation strategy than anything else, but most decidedly a function of having been let down far too often. I'm like that while driving, as well - if a vehicle is approaching an intersection, and the driver is indicating, I don't assume that the vehicle is turning, until I see it doing so. At work,  I had to learn - the hard way - that just because you've given someone an instruction with a deadline, it doesn't mean the task will be done, let alone by the deadline. 

In March, I took on the responsibility of managing a small team at work, and it taught me a lot about people, but especially about myself. In fact, I learn something every day. I've learnt that you can't have an inflexible management style; your team members are different, so you have to handle them differently.  As an introvert, I am pulled out of my comfort zone by a lot of the typical expectations of managers, but I'm figuring it out as I go along, consciously exploring what leadership means, and making sure I stay true to myself and my value system. I started the year choosing "LEAD"', as my word for 2018. I told myself that, before I could lead others, I'd need to lead myself.  In order to lead myself, I needed to set myself a measurable challenge.

On 8 January 2018, I started a health challenge (Sleekgeek 30-Day Reboot Challenge), aimed at losing weight. I started out weighing 84,7kg, and by 22 July, I'd lost 12,9kg, with the scale at 71,8kg, my lowest weight in years. For some reason or other (extra stress at work?), I lost the focus I'd had, hit a plateau, and then started regaining some of the weight. I have now lost a total of 10kg, which is still a significant weight loss for me. I firmly believe it has set me on a path of healthier choices in different areas of my life. I want to lose another 5,7kg, to get to my goal weight of 69kg. I know how to do it, I know what works for me, and all I have to do is be as stubborn about my choices as I was from Jan to July this year. It's important to grow my lifestyle around healthy choices, and live that lifestyle with joy and celebration - it's not a hardship; it's a gift I'm giving myself. By December 2019, I want to look radically different to what I looked like in Jan 2018. I'm excited about the journey.

Very recently, a truth I'd started losing sight of struck me anew: I am much happier singing my original songs than covers, and I need to single-mindedly pursue avenues that provide me with opportunities to perform original material. I need to focus on what I want, and stop being distracted. What am I waiting for? 

I realised that my default mode is to invest a lot of time and effort (and even money) on making other people shine. I'm so good at it - I do it at work and in my personal life. I need to use those same skills and turn the spotlight onto myself. It's the opposite of what we were taught as children, but let's face it: how are you ever going to succeed at your own goals, if you're so busy helping others achieve theirs? And it's not an either-or situation - I can still facilitate the journeys of others, but I need to put myself on my list of priorities, and not feel guilty about doing so.  

A few days ago, I decided on my word for 2019: RHYTHM. I will explore various aspects of it, and I am particularly interested in musical rhythms, but also the rhythms of life, of nature, of sleep, of energy, etc etc. I'm sure I'll write a lot about it throughout 2019.

I think I'm ready for 2019. 

Tonight was my last gig at Sabria's Restaurant for 2018. Here's a photo of Shabnum, the manager of the restaurant, with me.

Full Moon in Cancer, 2018

I know there’s a taboo about saying this kind of thing, but I’m going to say it anyway: right now, I’m SO happy, I could die.

Tonight, my teacher, mentor, duo music partner and dear friend, Wayne Bosch, came to the restaurant where I do a solo gig every Saturday night, and did the gig with me. I had last seen him the night of our last concert together, on the 28^th of December, 2016.

He helped me set up my equipment, wouldn’t let me lift the speakers (even though I do it alone every week), we ordered supper for the break, and started playing. Just like that, and it was like we'd done our last gig the day before!

You know, there were a few reasons I hesitated to write all of this as a Facebook post (where I usually do my short-article raves); I’ll share two with you:

1.       People take offense when you say, ‘’I am so happy, I could die’’. They think you’re being morbid, or that you’re prophesying your own death. And then, if you were to die shortly thereafter, they’d all say, “You see! She knew she was going to die.’’ Naaah!! It’s just an expression to indicate an extreme!    

2.       Other guitarists I work with might feel bad about the reason I’m so happy I could die! It’s the most ridiculous reaction ever, because we all gig with various people, and we all have unique and beautiful experiences and relationships with our music partners. I rave about my guitar partners to each other, and the more open-spirited ones see the praise for what it is – it’s never meant as a comparison. On the contrary – I want people to know what a rich network of creative souls we are privileged to belong to.  I love hearing guitarists I work with tell me about other vocalists – it broadens my world, just hearing their names and a bit about their music and their voices.

So – tonight was spectacular! And I’d be failing myself wholly if I were to play this down, like I do so many of my emotions, because of people’s anticipated reactions. People either like me or they don’t. They have to make that choice based on who I really am, and not a diluted, sanitised version of me. 

Throughout our lives, we meet people - through our families, our schools, our jobs, our friends, our partners, and very often, through our interests. And you know how it goes – some people have very little impact on you. They’re in your life for a while, and then your reason for being together ceases to exist, and you make no effort to stay in touch.  Others, you like enough to want to see occasionally, and you go out of your way to stay connected, meeting for coffee, every now and then.

But there’s that third type of person – who creeps into your soul! You NEVER want to lose contact with that person, because they feel like they belong in your world – they get you, you feel inspired around them, being in their company lifts your spirits, and you just become a better you, as a result of them. Nuh? Well, that’s what Wayne means to me. He’s one of my favourite people in the world, and I was devastated when he relocated to Pretoria, in 2012. He’s such a natural teacher, and sharer of all that he knows, that even when he’s in casual conversation with you, he’s teaching you.

(I’ve written this on my blog before: when I heard that Wayne and his family were moving to Pretoria, we were gigging a lot, as a duo. I said I’d do whatever I could to continue performing with him, even if it was just once a year! We managed to do concerts in Dec 2013, 2014, 2015 & 2016. Last year was the first year since he left that we didn’t perform together.)

Tonight, at the gig, he used a loop machine, and he kept telling me how much fun it was. Well, I could see how much fun he was having! I expressed some reservation/fear,  and said it would take me a long time to get the hang of it. By the end of the evening, he’d got me to not only play his electric guitar (Whaaaat?), but to record something on the loop machine with it! 

But I think the essential ingredient with all of these extra-special people in our lives is TRUST. Many of you who don’t know this friendship are thinking, ”Hmmmm…., I wonder if there’s more.“’ There’s no more. This is a magical angel who occupies a space in my heart. I trust him implicitly, and that’s not so common, these days. I’ve even said it myself: I have trust issues.

So – and my children understand this friendship best of all, because they’ve observed it for ten years – tonight, having that wonderful experience of making music with someone who’s so good at what he does, such a lovely person, and such a trusted, soul friend, made me so happy, I could die.

I waited two long years to see my friend and play live music with him, and what a satisfying reunion it was.

Maybe it was the full moon in Cancer?  Haha!

Wish I had a nice pic of us tonight, but I don't, so here's an oldie:

                            Wayne Bosch and I at our 2014 concert at the District Six museum. 

                                                           Photo: Gregory Franz