Rights

Picture: Fortaleza, Brazil (visited last year this time)

In March 2007, I had to have surgery, and in the course of that whole experience, I had to wait for 14 long days for the results of a biopsy. When the results came and I heard that there was no cancer, I promised myself I would live, live, live until I died, and by that I mean drink from the fountain of life, to the very last drop. And so, if I seem to be constantly doing and doing, starting new projects, organising new concerts, setting and working towards new goals, etc, it's all part of that conscious decision I took, to fling myself headlong into life and living. Unapologetically intense, with as few regrets as possible.

I don't want to do anything in half measures, and I suppose that means I push myself quite hard and place high expectations on myself. The choice of who I work closely with, spend time with, bring into my inner circle and of course who I love, is connected to this as well. I really don't see the point in acting like you're going to live forever. If you love someone, you need to do so openly and live your life celebrating that love. Behaving cautiously, like you're waiting for something better to come along, that's ok when you're 16, not when you're a mature adult.

Winding down now, after my gig with Wayne at Food Lover's Market, snacking on Dorito's and chunky cottage cheese, and my usual glass of orange juice.Mmmmm! Tonight was amazing! We had Megan Francis as our guest artist again, and she blew the crowd away with her incredible voice. She's got the kind of style I could listen to all night! Deep, strong voice, ultra-cool, soulful, lives in the moment when she sings, and is definitely someone you'll be hearing a lot more of.

But the most special part of tonight's gig was that three of my second cousins were there, two from my dad's side and one from my mom's. First, there was Derek Ronnie. He and his wife Marlene have been to our gig about three times already, and I'm always happy to see them, they're such an interesting couple. This time, they brought another 2nd cousin of mine, Brian Reisenberg, and his wife Joy, who are visiting from Australia. Had a brief chat with Brian, who told me that he'd had a good connection with my dad when he was a child. Again that energy around my dad. Actually, everytime I see Derek, I think of my dad, because I think the two of them enjoyed a lot of mutual respect. Derek's dad, Uncle Edwin, who died just over a year ago, was a really lovely, special man. Derek and Brian's mothers were sisters, with the surname Rushin, and first cousins of my dad.

The 3rd relative was my 2nd cousin from my mom's side, Oscar Smith. His dad and my mom are first cousins. Oscar was there with his lovely family. Right now I've hit a blank with his wife and son's names (Ursula? -have to edit this post sometime!!!!!), but his daughter is Camy. What a cool family! The children are young adults now and each was there with a partner. Interesting to see them as adults.

Even though I didn't spend a lot of time talking to them all, I felt very special having family members there. I have only one sibling, but she seldom comes to my gigs. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me sad. I am fortunate, though, to have very supportive people in my life.

Musically, tonight's gig was very satisfying. Working with Wayne is one of the most profound parts of my life, for many reasons. He's my guitar teacher, has had a tremendous influence on me musically, especially with my compositions, and I thoroughly enjoy being associated with him. He stands out amongst local musicians because of his unassuming, humble personality, yet I truly believe he's destined for the international market. So, while we still have him in Cape Town, I'll make use of the opportunity to learn as much as I can from this genius. And more than that, he's just a really nice guy, full of integrity.

Recently, in giving me feedback about my concert on the 6th of March, someone commented: "There's too much Wayne Bosch in your songs". I have to smile when I think about it. I know exactly what he means, but it's a journey I'm consciously on. I'm allowing this very strong musical influence into my songs, so that I can experience them this way. The comment came from someone I admire deeply, who got to know my songs when I was performing them solo, in a more folk style. At that time, the niche I enjoyed working in was the poetry audience, where my songs were like poems to music, so my sparse playing suited the situation well. What's happened under Wayne's influence is that most of my songs now fit firmly in the jazz genre, which has its pros and cons.

While I'm on the topic, let me make something clear: I don't regard myself as a jazz singer. I'm a singer. I do some jazz, but I'm not a jazz singer. Cape Town has lots of trained jazz singers, and when you listen to them, you know what a jazz singer is. Which is why - and some people find this hard to accept in its simplicity - I don't feel intimidated by those singers. Firstly, I don't go into a gig situation (or any other situation) feeling a certain way about myself in relation to anyone else. It's not a competition. (Neither is life.) When I sing in public, I do some jazz, some folk, some blues, some pop and my originals, which span all of those genres as well as light rock. It's simple: I'm a singer of songs. I love singing. It makes me happy. It gives my life meaning. Nothing more, nothing less. So, regardless of who walks into my gig, I still have the same approach: I do what I do, and I compare myself only with myself. Maybe you need to have lived through certain experiences to understand that perspective. I can't explain it to someone who's not ready to assimilate it. It's a journey.

Rounding this off on a new day, Human Rights Day in South Africa. A day we remember the Sharpeville Massacre of 21 March 1960, but also a day we think about our post-apartheid democracy and its own realities around human rights.

I've recently been exposed to literature on rights of a more personal nature, in the context of people recovering from extreme dysfunction or abuse, and some of them make me realise just how skewed our own socialisation can be, where we're taught to be nice and good, but the boundaries are not put in place at the same time.

Here are just a few that made a huge impact on me:
1. I have the right to terminate conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.
2. I have a right to be angry at someone I love, without fear that I, the person, or the relationship, will dissolve.
3. I have numerous choices in my life beyond mere survival.
4. I have a right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgement or any other reason that I choose.

And one that possibly relates best to this post:
I have a right to be uniquely me, without feeling I'm not good enough.