A Single Truth

I encountered a really unfortunate way of thinking,  recently, and I just have to write about it. 

There are people who seem to think that when a woman puts effort into her appearance, by either wearing something nice or changing her hair, that this has to, in some way, be aimed at finding a man. I recently had my hair cut quite short, and a few people, in complimenting me, added something like, "Now you need to go on a date", or "'Oooh... and who's this for?" or, "So? What's his name?" (You should see my face!)

So here I am, being the real Trudy. My blog is one of the few spaces in my life where I can vent  about all the crap I encounter on an almost-daily basis. 

I have been single for almost 7 years. (This is not regret - this is historical context.) I became single after a break-up. I told myself I'd give myself six months to grieve, and then I'd ''move on'' - which is generally interpreted as "get into my next relationship"'. Even I thought that, at the time. 

However, life had other things in store for me, and my life did indeed move on, but in very different and interesting ways. 

In the past 7 years, I've changed my job twice, each time accepting a position that excited and challenged me. In 2013, I started a three-year stint as a lecturer at College of Cape Town, teaching English First Additional Language to young adults studying at Grade 10 level. It was interesting, I learnt a lot, I was able to use a lot of my previous work and life experience, I met cool people, and I'm sure I impacted on some students' lives.   

In 2015, I was offered an exciting position in the private sector, by which time I was ready for a new beginning. The job became a reality only in 2016, when I happily left teaching, to work as a Project Coordinator for Survé Philanthropies, with my main project being The Delft Big Band NPC (now called Sekunjalo Delft Big Band), which included a community music school.  

In January 2015, I was offered a solo gig at Sabria's Restaurant, in Wynberg, not too far from where I lived. Three and a half years later, I'm still there, playing my guitar and singing to the diners once a week. It satisfies my need to perform and brings in some extra income for my family. It also exposes me to a market of people who ask for my card and hire me for private functions. 

Some of the highlights of my music life have happened in the last 7 years: 

- yes, having a resident solo gig at a restaurant is significant to me

- recording four original songs with Wayne Bosch in 2012

- doing December concerts with Wayne since 2013

- doing a concert of originals with Errol Dyers in 2014

- recording videos of my songs, ''In the Shade of Table Mountain'' and ''Joe'' (both on YouTube) 

- doing a trio concert with Errol and Mervyn Africa in Athlone (2016) 

- travelling to perform in Pietermaritzburg with Errol and Mervyn (2016)

- a concert in July 2017, where I got to sing my own songs with Keith Tabisher, Dylan Tabisher and 

  Abubakar Petersen (tenor sax player from the Sekunjalo DBB)

Both my children matriculated and did gap years in the past 7 years, and I have bonded with them like I was not able to, before. They're both doing tertiary studies now. As our children grow, they don't need us less - they need us in different ways. I love the time I spend with my children, and cherish every moment we have together.

My mother's health changed in 2012, when she was diagnosed with Amnestic Syndrome. A year later, the diagnosis was Alzheimer's Disease. Six years down the line, this is a huge part of our lives.    

In the past 7 years, I've allowed life to impact on me, to move me, to inspire me, to shake me out of my comfort zone and open my heart to so many possibilities.

I've grown to accept and appreciate myself as an introvert, and to stop feeling I have to apologise for not liking parties or loud gatherings in general, and for preferring solitude. I have resumed my reading habit, I have made time to practise my music, I have filled my life with lots of things that are meaningful to me, and I have found that being single suits me perfectly - I can spend time by myself, indulging in all my solo hobbies, and not feel I'm neglecting or disappointing anybody. 

I set my own expectations and standards, and take them seriously.  

Some of the most important lessons I've learnt are:

- the loudest person in the room is seldom the smartest 

- people will treat you like you allow them to - so YOU set the boundaries firmly in place

- if you're not happy about any part of your life, don't just complain - do something to make it better, or get out & find your next new beginning

- once you find what rocks your world, fill your life with that, to the best of your ability

- decide what's worth investing yourself in and what's not - it makes life a lot less complicated   

- when you live your truth, you will encounter like-minded people and they will brighten your world - electricity between people doesn't always have to be romantic energy

This was meant to be one of those short posts, but it seems I had a lot to say. I haven't even written about all the cool things that have happened in my current job, like site visits to NGOs doing very important work with marginalised communities, some exciting gigs the band has done, and my trip to Sweden in 2017. I also haven't mentioned my daughter's trip to Thailand in Grade 10 (we raised the money, doing concerts!!!), or her trip to Scotland in her gap year, funded with money she raised by working three jobs. Or the car I bought to replace my old jalopy, in 2016. 

So what's the point of all of this? The point is: life is full. Life is busy, life is exciting and challenging. Life flings me around, like a rollercoaster, and at other times, cradles me in its loving arms. Life is laughter, and also tears. Life is good news and devastation. Life is family, recipes, generations, the guitar, piano and ukulele, the fruit trees in the yard, the wind howling and the hail falling. Life is roaches in summer and geckos, too. Life is cyclical and predictable, but also full of surprises.

Life is yielding and forgiving; it sings to me, and waits for my response. Life rocks me to and fro, and reminds me, in the simplest of ways, that I am a very lucky woman. I take nothing for granted. I cherish what I have, and I consciously model to my children (young adults) the values and sensitivities that will enable them to continue my legacy of living a gentler alternative. 

Alternative. Not following the pack. I have great role models all around me and I am proud to be a woman, both strong & gentle, who can celebrate herself for who she is, and not for whom she might attract. So, ja - the next time you compliment a single woman on her appearance, don't ruin the moment by saying that all she needs now is a man! Asseblief tog! Eish!  

                                    

                                                               Sat, 28 July 2018

        

Extreme balance

WHY AM I STILL UP?????

I've just finished some office work, it's almost midnight, I've had to skip two of my plans for the night (restringing my guitar and doing a dance workout - :-( ), but I really wanted to write, so here goes. I know..... I'm setting myself up to feel like a dead duck tomorrow morning.

People are really strange - just when I think I've figured someone out, they do something that shows a completely different side. And here, you may be surprised to know, I include myself. I regard myself as someone who craves routine, likes stability, dependability, predictability...... but that's not who I am all of the time. I actually have a side that hates all of those things, and prefers more of a ''let's-see-what's-behind-Door-No.-Next'' approach to life. Truth!

Ooh, I can feel my eyes drooping, so I won't write for long. I just wanted to say that life is for the living, and however you choose to do it, be true to yourself, keep an open mind, allow yourself to play sometimes, and harm no-one.

I've struggled for most of my adult life to find that balance between work and play, and now, at age 56, I feel like maybe I've misunderstood the concept of balance - maybe I'm going to find my version of balance by swinging between the routine-loving and the chaos-seeking me.  Ja, that's it - I do live a balanced life; I just attain it by regularly swinging from one extreme to the other. :-)

Happy to be alive, right now. How about you?

                                                    Sat 21 July 2018, after my Sabria's gig.

Aligned

Tonight, I remarked that I needed to get ready for my early rise tomorrow, to which my daughter replied: “Mom, you have so much responsibility in every part of your life – how do you manage?”

I thought about it a bit, then said, “You get used to it.”

Of course, it got me thinking about what it was that actually enabled me to cope. I think a big part of who I am is attributable to my mother and how she raised us, as a single mom. There was something self-sacrificing about her, and I used to think to myself that, if there were a martyr gene, I hoped I wouldn’t inherit it! But I do come from a strong matriarchal lineage, and I think that women have such a fierce love for their offspring, that the martyr thing is unavoidable.

When I’m feeling really low and overwhelmed, depressed about how expensive everything is and how capitalism sucks, I feel totally alienated from my essential self and all the wonderful things that make me happy. In those times, I ask myself, “Whose life am I living?” I suppose we all dip into that abyss every now and then, don’t we?

But fortunately, we’re wired to be optimistic, always looking for something positive to say, so that life isn’t just one long depressive episode, where we’re sitting on our beds, counting coins and the number of days left before Pay Day. 

Tonight, I danced. My dancing days are Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, but this has been such a weird week, that I last danced on Sunday. When you dance, just like any other form of aerobic exercise, you get to a point where you’re so thoroughly warmed up, that it seems your body is running itself – it’s like your mind doesn’t need to be engaged, because you’re just a moving body. You’re the observer. I love the feeling! I always dance to music that I like, so it’s a pleasurable activity. The feeling of exercising rhythmically makes me smile and feel alive. In fact, with my current lifestyle, dancing is the most movement I do at any time – I don’t run and I don’t swim; I don’t even walk for exercise, which is something I love.

So while I was dancing tonight, with my body knowing what to do, I could drift off on an independent thought journey and contemplate the things in my life that make me happy, and that are in tune with my essential self. Right now, those things are dancing, playing my guitar and singing, writing, reading, being with people I love, and eating healthy food.  

And what about all those hours spent doing my day job? Well, I happen to be lucky there, as well, because I work in an established company, in a modern building, with a beautiful view. Most of the people are nice. More than that, I work in philanthropy, which enables me to be involved in making cool things happen for people who need various kinds of help. It’s important to me that my job and my value system are aligned. 

How awesome is this? Tomorrow morning, I’m going to be involved in something VERY exciting, at the Sekunjalo Delft Music Academy, but I can’t give details - it’s a secret. Oooooooh!!!!

Looks like I’ll be doing another blog post soon.  Yay! I love writing! 

                                                           Thurs 12 July 2018

Weigh Day

There's a day in my life that's come to rival the significance of Pay Day, and that's Weigh Day.

I weigh myself every fortnight, on a Sunday morning. I drive through to Claremont, and make my way to the public scale in one of the passages in Cavendish Connect. I look forward to weighing myself, because it's my way of holding myself accountable to the goals I set in January this year. I get onto the scale - fully-clothed, with shoes - pop my R5 coin into the slot, wait a few seconds while the machine makes little buzzing sounds, and then, like magic, it appears on the screen - the info I've spent the past two weeks being curious about: my weight. 

I wait for the printout, enter the info onto my phone, where I update all my goals, and off I go.

Today was Weigh Day, and I got up, did my laundry, got showered and dressed, and  made my way to Claremont. When I approached the scale, there was no "Out of Order" sign on it, so my daughter commented, "At least it's not out of order." When we got to it, however, it was not connected - in fact it was not even plugged in! Undaunted, I asked the security gentleman if we could plug it in, only to be told that it was, in fact, OUT OF ORDER!!! This is not the first time - in fact, it's the third.

I was really annoyed. I hate being dependent on something or someone that keeps disappointing me. When that happens, I take steps to release myself from both the dependency and the disappointment. I decided I'd buy my own scale, and just stick to my fortnightly ritual. Looked at a couple of scales, checked the prices and what the scales allegedly do, and decided I'd wait a while before buying myself one. Maybe at the end of the month.

And then we worked our way through our list for the morning, and I felt strangely liberated, not having weighed. I resolved to continue in a disciplined way for the next two weeks, and then check if the scale is working. I'll keep setting my goals, and see how it goes.

Actually, there's a scale at a pharmacy, not too far from where I work. Hmmmmm......  Maybe tomorrow will be Weigh Day.

Living my truth

Because music courses through my veins, there's very little in my life that isn't set to music. In fact, how I usually know that something isn't right for me, is when there's no music involved. It might sound strange, but I think there are enough people reading this who know what I mean. I even sing my affirmations, because they have to be said repetitively; I turn each one into a song, and that makes the five minutes go really fast. I use the singing of the affirmation to do a few vocal things - I suppose you'd call them warm ups.

One of my affirmations emerged as a song, one day while I was driving, tapping a beat on the steering wheel:
I  - always live my truth
Always live my truth
Always live my truth
I  - attract into my life
Attract into my life
Things that are my truth

I have no, no time for bullshit
I have no, no time for bullshit
I have no, no time for bullshit
No, no! No no time for bullshit

I  - always live my truth
Always live my truth
Always live my truth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, so it's definitely not something I'd sing at a concert :-), but affirmations have to express one's essence, firmly held views or aspirations, right? Haha!

What do I mean when I refer to living one's truth? It basically refers to anything in our lives where we choose a path that's right for us. It refers to political convictions, diet, choice of hobbies, choice of careers, choice of friends, choice of forms of expression - artistic or otherwise - and so much more.

In 2003, I did the Mind Power course with Robin Banks, and one of the many things that gripped me during the course was his saying, when explaining the Six Laws of the Mind,  that if we didn't like being part of something, we could simply walk away from it - we had a choice to be part of something or not. It sounds so obvious,  but think about it - how many times do you find yourself chatting to a group of people you like, when the topic turns to something you'd rather not be part of? It's not that easy to walk away. Not easy, but not impossible.

I could write about this for hours, but I just want to plant a seed today.

Two thoughts:
1. Up until the age of 32, I was denied the vote in the country of my birth. I vowed to myself, in April 1994, when I voted in South Africa's first democratic election, that I would celebrate my freedom by making well-considered choices wherever possible. (I don't always get it right, but it's a goal.)

2. Earlier this year, someone walked around the office, offering doughnuts to everyone. Everyone but me. It was a huge moment for me, because it meant my colleagues had finally understood that all my No-thank-yous meant they shouldn't even bother offering me. If I could get people to understand and respect that about me, I can get them to understand that they shouldn't even bother trying to gossip to me - it's something I don't want any part of. This one's a bit more complicated, because a decent conversation can quickly descend into a gossip session, which is when I have to choose how to walk away - I either have to indicate verbally that I'm not interested, or make some excuse to leave the company. The braver choice - but not the easier one - is the first one.

I suppose it's like anything else we want to get right, in our lives - practise,  practise, practise, until it becomes second nature.

Have a cool day.

Live your truth.

                                                          At home - 20 June 2018.