Heal thyself

Written Sunday 04/10/09

As usual, so much on my mind.

I read somewhere that you get a certain type of Virgoan, a personality type characterized by a strong need to record everything, and with a tendency to regard this record keeping as so important, that no event feels complete unless it’s been meticulously recorded. I seem to fall into this category, having been a keen ‘journaller’ since 1977. Initially, I’d just write keywords to record what I’d done on those days (I was a teenager then), but over the years it’s grown to be one of my main coping mechanisms, a vehicle for processing my thoughts and plans, my frustrations, my aspirations. Journals allow us to show the less socially-acceptable sides of ourselves. Yes, indeed. I have an irreverent sense of humour, and some of my notorious homemade jokes that never make it into the public ambit reside “un-ignominiously” within the pages of my many journals. There are two people I can tell my stupid jokes to, without ever being sanctioned, and they are my sister, whom I’ve known all my life, and who definitely shares this whackball side of me, and the other is my cousin and best friend. Both of them have the capacity to make me laugh from my insides out, you know that laugh where you can feel your face distorting, and absolutely nothing can make you stop, and long after you’ve left their company, you think about the joke and you start laughing all over again? Like when we were children and we used to go to church every Sunday – my sister and I would see something that would start us off, and then everything would just seem very funny. We’d be shaking and crying and sniffing, practically rocking the pew with our badly-concealed laughter, and my mother’s stern, disapproving glare would only make things worse.
I’m blessed to have two children who are both excruciatingly funny, which makes me wonder about genetics! My children’s dad is also hilariously funny, and my son, when in comedy mode, is uncannily like him, right down to facial expressions and body movement. He’s got that whole body thing that comedians have – Robin Williams and Steve Martin being prime examples.

On Friday I felt like I was going to have some kind of breakdown, after going through an immensely stressful period at work. I always say the systems and tasks are easy, but the people issues are the challenging part. Long, hectic story. I try not to, but I do internalize a lot of the stress I encounter, and it inevitably presents in physical symptoms like mouth ulcers and some stomach stuff. By Friday, I was badly in need of time out, and I let a good friend down, deciding to skip his birthday party because I desperately needed to take care of myself, slow down, be alone, process all the stuff I’ve had to deal with recently. It’s hard for me to juggle all my responsibilities, and my dilemma on Friday was: should I go to the party, so as not to let my friend down, and then sit with the unresolved emotions even longer, or should I look after myself, and trust that my friend would eventually understand? The most important thing is to actually commit to a choice that’s made for all the right reasons. No regrets.

I’m so glad I stayed home. I actually fell asleep with my pen in my hand, and my journal next to me! The point was, I’d had one of my long soaks in the bath, and then got straight into bed, and I ended up having a great night’s sleep, peaceful, restorative. I woke up the next morning feeling much lighter in spirit, and when I saw the fabulous weather, I felt the relief of having passed through a dark patch. (I haven’t blogged about it, for many reasons.) I decided to spend the rest of the day being good to myself, knowing that ahead of me lay the evening’s exciting gig. I went to my early morning hairdressing appointment, and then I drove to Kalk Bay, where I went shopping at some of the funky shops in Main Road, considerably rejuvenated by my new hairdo, not to mention the stunningly beautiful day. After shopping, I went to a quaint little restaurant and had a light lunch, an unlikely, motley trio permeating my reverie with guitar, sax and maraca renditions of even unlikelier tunes. I had to smile. The overall feeling was as if I had stepped right out of my normal life, and was on holiday in some exotic, foreign seaside village. I consciously gave myself permission to stop analyzing everything, and to simply enjoy the experience.

It is SO late. I’ll have to continue this at another sitting. Tomorrow my kids go back to school for the fourth term, and I cannot believe how this year has flown!!! My son’s almost finished his first year at high school, and my daughter’s almost done with Grade 5. Tomorrow the whole of Cape Town is on the road at the same time as me.

I’m glad I listened to my heart, this weekend. I should do it more often.