More thoughts on 2018

I think the biggest lessons I've learnt, this year, have come as a result of new experiences, including new challenges I set myself, new tasks I was assigned at work, and new people I encountered, in both my personal and professional spheres.

I've learnt to trust people less, which is more of a self-preservation strategy than anything else, but most decidedly a function of having been let down far too often. I'm like that while driving, as well - if a vehicle is approaching an intersection, and the driver is indicating, I don't assume that the vehicle is turning, until I see it doing so. At work,  I had to learn - the hard way - that just because you've given someone an instruction with a deadline, it doesn't mean the task will be done, let alone by the deadline. 

In March, I took on the responsibility of managing a small team at work, and it taught me a lot about people, but especially about myself. In fact, I learn something every day. I've learnt that you can't have an inflexible management style; your team members are different, so you have to handle them differently.  As an introvert, I am pulled out of my comfort zone by a lot of the typical expectations of managers, but I'm figuring it out as I go along, consciously exploring what leadership means, and making sure I stay true to myself and my value system. I started the year choosing "LEAD"', as my word for 2018. I told myself that, before I could lead others, I'd need to lead myself.  In order to lead myself, I needed to set myself a measurable challenge.

On 8 January 2018, I started a health challenge (Sleekgeek 30-Day Reboot Challenge), aimed at losing weight. I started out weighing 84,7kg, and by 22 July, I'd lost 12,9kg, with the scale at 71,8kg, my lowest weight in years. For some reason or other (extra stress at work?), I lost the focus I'd had, hit a plateau, and then started regaining some of the weight. I have now lost a total of 10kg, which is still a significant weight loss for me. I firmly believe it has set me on a path of healthier choices in different areas of my life. I want to lose another 5,7kg, to get to my goal weight of 69kg. I know how to do it, I know what works for me, and all I have to do is be as stubborn about my choices as I was from Jan to July this year. It's important to grow my lifestyle around healthy choices, and live that lifestyle with joy and celebration - it's not a hardship; it's a gift I'm giving myself. By December 2019, I want to look radically different to what I looked like in Jan 2018. I'm excited about the journey.

Very recently, a truth I'd started losing sight of struck me anew: I am much happier singing my original songs than covers, and I need to single-mindedly pursue avenues that provide me with opportunities to perform original material. I need to focus on what I want, and stop being distracted. What am I waiting for? 

I realised that my default mode is to invest a lot of time and effort (and even money) on making other people shine. I'm so good at it - I do it at work and in my personal life. I need to use those same skills and turn the spotlight onto myself. It's the opposite of what we were taught as children, but let's face it: how are you ever going to succeed at your own goals, if you're so busy helping others achieve theirs? And it's not an either-or situation - I can still facilitate the journeys of others, but I need to put myself on my list of priorities, and not feel guilty about doing so.  

A few days ago, I decided on my word for 2019: RHYTHM. I will explore various aspects of it, and I am particularly interested in musical rhythms, but also the rhythms of life, of nature, of sleep, of energy, etc etc. I'm sure I'll write a lot about it throughout 2019.

I think I'm ready for 2019. 

Tonight was my last gig at Sabria's Restaurant for 2018. Here's a photo of Shabnum, the manager of the restaurant, with me.

Full Moon in Cancer, 2018

I know there’s a taboo about saying this kind of thing, but I’m going to say it anyway: right now, I’m SO happy, I could die.

Tonight, my teacher, mentor, duo music partner and dear friend, Wayne Bosch, came to the restaurant where I do a solo gig every Saturday night, and did the gig with me. I had last seen him the night of our last concert together, on the 28^th of December, 2016.

He helped me set up my equipment, wouldn’t let me lift the speakers (even though I do it alone every week), we ordered supper for the break, and started playing. Just like that, and it was like we'd done our last gig the day before!

You know, there were a few reasons I hesitated to write all of this as a Facebook post (where I usually do my short-article raves); I’ll share two with you:

1.       People take offense when you say, ‘’I am so happy, I could die’’. They think you’re being morbid, or that you’re prophesying your own death. And then, if you were to die shortly thereafter, they’d all say, “You see! She knew she was going to die.’’ Naaah!! It’s just an expression to indicate an extreme!    

2.       Other guitarists I work with might feel bad about the reason I’m so happy I could die! It’s the most ridiculous reaction ever, because we all gig with various people, and we all have unique and beautiful experiences and relationships with our music partners. I rave about my guitar partners to each other, and the more open-spirited ones see the praise for what it is – it’s never meant as a comparison. On the contrary – I want people to know what a rich network of creative souls we are privileged to belong to.  I love hearing guitarists I work with tell me about other vocalists – it broadens my world, just hearing their names and a bit about their music and their voices.

So – tonight was spectacular! And I’d be failing myself wholly if I were to play this down, like I do so many of my emotions, because of people’s anticipated reactions. People either like me or they don’t. They have to make that choice based on who I really am, and not a diluted, sanitised version of me. 

Throughout our lives, we meet people - through our families, our schools, our jobs, our friends, our partners, and very often, through our interests. And you know how it goes – some people have very little impact on you. They’re in your life for a while, and then your reason for being together ceases to exist, and you make no effort to stay in touch.  Others, you like enough to want to see occasionally, and you go out of your way to stay connected, meeting for coffee, every now and then.

But there’s that third type of person – who creeps into your soul! You NEVER want to lose contact with that person, because they feel like they belong in your world – they get you, you feel inspired around them, being in their company lifts your spirits, and you just become a better you, as a result of them. Nuh? Well, that’s what Wayne means to me. He’s one of my favourite people in the world, and I was devastated when he relocated to Pretoria, in 2012. He’s such a natural teacher, and sharer of all that he knows, that even when he’s in casual conversation with you, he’s teaching you.

(I’ve written this on my blog before: when I heard that Wayne and his family were moving to Pretoria, we were gigging a lot, as a duo. I said I’d do whatever I could to continue performing with him, even if it was just once a year! We managed to do concerts in Dec 2013, 2014, 2015 & 2016. Last year was the first year since he left that we didn’t perform together.)

Tonight, at the gig, he used a loop machine, and he kept telling me how much fun it was. Well, I could see how much fun he was having! I expressed some reservation/fear,  and said it would take me a long time to get the hang of it. By the end of the evening, he’d got me to not only play his electric guitar (Whaaaat?), but to record something on the loop machine with it! 

But I think the essential ingredient with all of these extra-special people in our lives is TRUST. Many of you who don’t know this friendship are thinking, ”Hmmmm…., I wonder if there’s more.“’ There’s no more. This is a magical angel who occupies a space in my heart. I trust him implicitly, and that’s not so common, these days. I’ve even said it myself: I have trust issues.

So – and my children understand this friendship best of all, because they’ve observed it for ten years – tonight, having that wonderful experience of making music with someone who’s so good at what he does, such a lovely person, and such a trusted, soul friend, made me so happy, I could die.

I waited two long years to see my friend and play live music with him, and what a satisfying reunion it was.

Maybe it was the full moon in Cancer?  Haha!

Wish I had a nice pic of us tonight, but I don't, so here's an oldie:

                            Wayne Bosch and I at our 2014 concert at the District Six museum. 

                                                           Photo: Gregory Franz

Some thoughts on 2018

I can’t even relate to this date – the 17^th of December! Isn’t it August? Where did this year go?

I want to post an article, but I’m really sleepy, so I’m going to write a very broad overview of how this year has felt, for me.

I’m clear about one thing - everything is energy. I’ve become better at sensing energies and have learnt to trust my instincts.

2018 has, however, had one notable example of how wrong I can be. But it’s a journey, right?  

I think that life is all about ebb and flow, and I believe that we write our life stories by what we say yes to, and what we say no to. The big, visible leaps are the end products of the little decisions we make on a daily basis.

This year has also taught me that part of the ebb and flow is that people come and go.  Sometimes they leave, as a result of decisions made, but other times they leave permanently, through death.

This year our family lost our eldest relative, my mother’s older sister, Helen. She had turned 90 three weeks earlier, and we’d all gathered in celebration. Her death raised many issues for me. One of the realisations I had was that, no matter how old she is, and no matter how old you are, the death of your mother will always be devastatingly sad, profound and life-altering. A void is left that can never be filled.  An essential part of you leaves when she leaves.  

This year, on 1 August, I experienced the loss of a young person I had worked with, through sudden death in a car accident. Shakier Roberts was 25, recently married, and was ecstatic that his wife was expecting their first child.  He was one of the original members of The Delft Big Band, a trombonist, the band’s first manager, and a teacher at the Sekunjalo Delft Music Academy.  When I started as  the project coordinator of The Delft Big Band, in March 2016, Shakier was one of the first people I met, and he and I worked closely together for a long time. I got to know him and we developed a good relationship, built on mutual respect. His death, as well as the impact on his friends in the band, affected me profoundly.  A few days ago, on Friday, 14 Dec, his wife gave birth to a daughter - the little angel he'd loved long before she was born.

Something else that this year has reminded me is that it’s very, very important to KNOW yourself, to LIKE yourself, and to unashamedly BE yourself. I find that life as an empowered, thinking, articulate woman, can be a lonely journey, but I reckon that’s a small price to pay for sticking to your values, regardless of what everyone else around you says or does.

I have learnt to speak out against discrimination and be strong and comfortable as the only one in the group who feels that way. I’d rather say it than be assumed to be in agreement, through my silence. I always ask myself what the alternative is, and then I speak my truth.

I’ve learnt that certain people’s quest for power can turn them into strange creatures, and that you just have to be crystal clear about who you can and can’t trust. That’s all. Know your boundaries, don’t put up with shit, and know what you are prepared to be a part of and what you need to distance yourself from.

And, finally – you have to know what it is YOU need, to restore your balance, at the end of a day of working in an environment  that pulls you so far from yourself, that you fear you might forget who you  are. Know what restores your equilibrium, and claim your right to go there, to indulge in whatever it is, and to be absolutely fine with your choices.  For me, my go-to activities, for peace and tranquility, are playing my guitar, writing and reading. Also listening to music, and - of course -  dancing! 😉

Oh - one more thing: in the latter part of this year, I realised I have to make sure I make time to hang out with my friends, because life passes by so quickly, and before your know it, another year has gone. 

               View from Rhodes Memorial, a place I visited twice recently, after a few years.

To be perfectly honest - Written 5 Sept 2018

There’ve been three occasions when I’ve found myself at the crossroads with regard to my professional life. The first was in 1997, after I’d taken a voluntary severance package (‘’the package’’) from the Education Dept, the second was in 2006, when a business venture didn’t work out, and the third was in 2010, when I was retrenched from a language school.

On two of those occasions, I had sessions with life coaches. Each of them (there were two) gave me a lot of insight into myself, including a no-holds-barred look at my strengths and weaknesses. It’s not easy being told that what you consider a virtue is actually a liability, and is holding you back in life, and keeping you from realising your dreams. In my case, it is perfectionism. I often joke that being a perfectionist is time-consuming, but it’s true! And what it effectively does is keep you from moving forward.

Over the years, I’ve learnt, from my life coaches and from things I’ve read or encountered in Ted Talks, that perfectionism is a form of self-sabotage, and is often fear-based. What came as a surprise to me, the first time I was told this, was that I had a fear of success! I’d never even considered that a possibility!

Tonight I decided to think about choices I’d made that were not fear-based, but that were actually made as a complete departure from my default mode of perfectionism.

The best example is my music life. I took piano lessons as a child, and passed Grade 1. I was an okay student, and just loved music. Music made me happy, and was a huge part of my life, because my mom was an opera singer. In my teens, I started playing guitar, and discovered that that was my instrument. I’d always loved singing, and started playing guitar to accompany my singing. Over time, I went from teaching myself to taking lessons with different teachers, each of whom taught me a lot and inspired me to keep pursuing what I loved – making music.  I learnt a mixture of theory and practical, but never went further with my music grades.

Forty years later, I still sing and play my guitar – in fact I do so as a second job. Many people I work with don’t know I’m also a musician. So how does this end up being an example of not being a perfectionist? Basically, I’m working as a musician, but I don’t have the preferred background.  I haven’t studied music at university, I’m so definitely not on the A-list of musicians in Cape Town, and I’m so never going to be asked to perform at certain events in the city. 

But what do I do with my music? I entertain people (usually with covers of well-known songs), I perform my original material (usually at concerts) and I collaborate with other musicians.

Do I earn money from it? Not truckloads, but a bit.  Enough to top up my day-job earnings and make a difference to my household. 

 Does it make me happy? 

More than anyone could ever possibly know.

Wed 14 Nov 2018

As I sit in the sanctuary of my room, while the clock slowly edges towards midnight, I’m frustrated at all the things that prevent me from sticking to a routine. But my frustration goes way beyond that – I have that standing-at-the-edge-of-a-precipice feeling that warns me that, unless I turn around and choose a new path, the one I’m on will lead to my destruction.

I’m amazed at how much one can put up with before feeling that one has reached breaking point. I think humans are extremely resilient, and can find ways to mitigate the unacceptable, through things like creative pursuits, sports, or other pleasurable pastimes. We know how to work on restoring the balance we so badly crave. 

But the truth is, more people are diagnosed with depression and other mental health illnesses than ever before. Many of those people have to be institutionalised. A growing percentage of functional people with mental illnesses booking themselves into facilities occasionally, to find the peace and tranquillity they can’t find anywhere else. My way of expressing it is that everyone at some stage needs a ‘’soft landing’’. I’ve realised that the best friendships we have are with people who instinctively provide us with that soft landing.  

Right now, I have an exaggerated feeling of never having enough time, of people having unrealistic expectations of me, and of being overwhelmed. 

Stirrings of September

"You are what you repeatedly do", says one of the motivational quotations up on my wall at home.

One of my frustrations is that I call myself a singer-songwriter, but I haven't written a whole song (I've got unfinished bits here and there) in quite a while. Fortunately, I have a stubborn streak, so even if I haven't produced a song in a while, I fiercely believe that I'm still a songwriter. I also believe that every writer hits a dry patch, and that a patch is, by its very nature, temporary.

                                Our grapevine, slowly revealing its potential, after its dry patch. Sun 30/09/18

Bringing it back to the present: life has shown me, once again, that it sometimes takes an external stimulus to get my creativity kick-started.

A few days ago, I was invited to make a speech at a graduation ceremony in October, AND to sing a song at the end of my speech! You may be surprised that my first reaction (thought, not said) was, "'Oh no - I hate wearing more than one hat at a time!" But I've learnt to overrule that reaction, because it has no place in the life I've chosen to live - a life of, despite being scared, some of the time, saying YES to more requests than before, because those Yesses often turn out to be not only interesting experiences, but doors to new possibilities/opportunities.

(I need to write a song about how opening one door leads to a second door, etc. I also feel that when we leave situations, some doors need to be firmly shut and others left ajar.)

It dawned on me that the most authentic response I could have, when given the privilege of addressing a gathering like this, was to write a song for them. So, last night, after my gig, I started. It's going to capture the essence of my speech, and it will be something that has the potential to move my audience. I've thought of an interesting way to perform the song, and something else..... but I don't want to reveal too much!

Yup! I'm back!

As any creative person would know, ALL I want to do now is finish the song!!! So far this morning, I've done laundry and some other things around the house, but all the time I've had the part I wrote last night buzzing in my head. I feel like a Nutty Professor, when I'm like this. I'm skipping the shops today, to create space to continue writing, but that household list (and that list of unavoidable office work) is long!

Let's see what else I can say No to, today, to open up some space for a Yes.

                                        A breathtakingly beautiful September day in Cape Town. 30/09/18

A Single Truth

I encountered a really unfortunate way of thinking,  recently, and I just have to write about it. 

There are people who seem to think that when a woman puts effort into her appearance, by either wearing something nice or changing her hair, that this has to, in some way, be aimed at finding a man. I recently had my hair cut quite short, and a few people, in complimenting me, added something like, "Now you need to go on a date", or "'Oooh... and who's this for?" or, "So? What's his name?" (You should see my face!)

So here I am, being the real Trudy. My blog is one of the few spaces in my life where I can vent  about all the crap I encounter on an almost-daily basis. 

I have been single for almost 7 years. (This is not regret - this is historical context.) I became single after a break-up. I told myself I'd give myself six months to grieve, and then I'd ''move on'' - which is generally interpreted as "get into my next relationship"'. Even I thought that, at the time. 

However, life had other things in store for me, and my life did indeed move on, but in very different and interesting ways. 

In the past 7 years, I've changed my job twice, each time accepting a position that excited and challenged me. In 2013, I started a three-year stint as a lecturer at College of Cape Town, teaching English First Additional Language to young adults studying at Grade 10 level. It was interesting, I learnt a lot, I was able to use a lot of my previous work and life experience, I met cool people, and I'm sure I impacted on some students' lives.   

In 2015, I was offered an exciting position in the private sector, by which time I was ready for a new beginning. The job became a reality only in 2016, when I happily left teaching, to work as a Project Coordinator for Survé Philanthropies, with my main project being The Delft Big Band NPC (now called Sekunjalo Delft Big Band), which included a community music school.  

In January 2015, I was offered a solo gig at Sabria's Restaurant, in Wynberg, not too far from where I lived. Three and a half years later, I'm still there, playing my guitar and singing to the diners once a week. It satisfies my need to perform and brings in some extra income for my family. It also exposes me to a market of people who ask for my card and hire me for private functions. 

Some of the highlights of my music life have happened in the last 7 years: 

- yes, having a resident solo gig at a restaurant is significant to me

- recording four original songs with Wayne Bosch in 2012

- doing December concerts with Wayne since 2013

- doing a concert of originals with Errol Dyers in 2014

- recording videos of my songs, ''In the Shade of Table Mountain'' and ''Joe'' (both on YouTube) 

- doing a trio concert with Errol and Mervyn Africa in Athlone (2016) 

- travelling to perform in Pietermaritzburg with Errol and Mervyn (2016)

- a concert in July 2017, where I got to sing my own songs with Keith Tabisher, Dylan Tabisher and 

  Abubakar Petersen (tenor sax player from the Sekunjalo DBB)

Both my children matriculated and did gap years in the past 7 years, and I have bonded with them like I was not able to, before. They're both doing tertiary studies now. As our children grow, they don't need us less - they need us in different ways. I love the time I spend with my children, and cherish every moment we have together.

My mother's health changed in 2012, when she was diagnosed with Amnestic Syndrome. A year later, the diagnosis was Alzheimer's Disease. Six years down the line, this is a huge part of our lives.    

In the past 7 years, I've allowed life to impact on me, to move me, to inspire me, to shake me out of my comfort zone and open my heart to so many possibilities.

I've grown to accept and appreciate myself as an introvert, and to stop feeling I have to apologise for not liking parties or loud gatherings in general, and for preferring solitude. I have resumed my reading habit, I have made time to practise my music, I have filled my life with lots of things that are meaningful to me, and I have found that being single suits me perfectly - I can spend time by myself, indulging in all my solo hobbies, and not feel I'm neglecting or disappointing anybody. 

I set my own expectations and standards, and take them seriously.  

Some of the most important lessons I've learnt are:

- the loudest person in the room is seldom the smartest 

- people will treat you like you allow them to - so YOU set the boundaries firmly in place

- if you're not happy about any part of your life, don't just complain - do something to make it better, or get out & find your next new beginning

- once you find what rocks your world, fill your life with that, to the best of your ability

- decide what's worth investing yourself in and what's not - it makes life a lot less complicated   

- when you live your truth, you will encounter like-minded people and they will brighten your world - electricity between people doesn't always have to be romantic energy

This was meant to be one of those short posts, but it seems I had a lot to say. I haven't even written about all the cool things that have happened in my current job, like site visits to NGOs doing very important work with marginalised communities, some exciting gigs the band has done, and my trip to Sweden in 2017. I also haven't mentioned my daughter's trip to Thailand in Grade 10 (we raised the money, doing concerts!!!), or her trip to Scotland in her gap year, funded with money she raised by working three jobs. Or the car I bought to replace my old jalopy, in 2016. 

So what's the point of all of this? The point is: life is full. Life is busy, life is exciting and challenging. Life flings me around, like a rollercoaster, and at other times, cradles me in its loving arms. Life is laughter, and also tears. Life is good news and devastation. Life is family, recipes, generations, the guitar, piano and ukulele, the fruit trees in the yard, the wind howling and the hail falling. Life is roaches in summer and geckos, too. Life is cyclical and predictable, but also full of surprises.

Life is yielding and forgiving; it sings to me, and waits for my response. Life rocks me to and fro, and reminds me, in the simplest of ways, that I am a very lucky woman. I take nothing for granted. I cherish what I have, and I consciously model to my children (young adults) the values and sensitivities that will enable them to continue my legacy of living a gentler alternative. 

Alternative. Not following the pack. I have great role models all around me and I am proud to be a woman, both strong & gentle, who can celebrate herself for who she is, and not for whom she might attract. So, ja - the next time you compliment a single woman on her appearance, don't ruin the moment by saying that all she needs now is a man! Asseblief tog! Eish!  

                                    

                                                               Sat, 28 July 2018

        

Extreme balance

WHY AM I STILL UP?????

I've just finished some office work, it's almost midnight, I've had to skip two of my plans for the night (restringing my guitar and doing a dance workout - :-( ), but I really wanted to write, so here goes. I know..... I'm setting myself up to feel like a dead duck tomorrow morning.

People are really strange - just when I think I've figured someone out, they do something that shows a completely different side. And here, you may be surprised to know, I include myself. I regard myself as someone who craves routine, likes stability, dependability, predictability...... but that's not who I am all of the time. I actually have a side that hates all of those things, and prefers more of a ''let's-see-what's-behind-Door-No.-Next'' approach to life. Truth!

Ooh, I can feel my eyes drooping, so I won't write for long. I just wanted to say that life is for the living, and however you choose to do it, be true to yourself, keep an open mind, allow yourself to play sometimes, and harm no-one.

I've struggled for most of my adult life to find that balance between work and play, and now, at age 56, I feel like maybe I've misunderstood the concept of balance - maybe I'm going to find my version of balance by swinging between the routine-loving and the chaos-seeking me.  Ja, that's it - I do live a balanced life; I just attain it by regularly swinging from one extreme to the other. :-)

Happy to be alive, right now. How about you?

                                                    Sat 21 July 2018, after my Sabria's gig.

Aligned

Tonight, I remarked that I needed to get ready for my early rise tomorrow, to which my daughter replied: “Mom, you have so much responsibility in every part of your life – how do you manage?”

I thought about it a bit, then said, “You get used to it.”

Of course, it got me thinking about what it was that actually enabled me to cope. I think a big part of who I am is attributable to my mother and how she raised us, as a single mom. There was something self-sacrificing about her, and I used to think to myself that, if there were a martyr gene, I hoped I wouldn’t inherit it! But I do come from a strong matriarchal lineage, and I think that women have such a fierce love for their offspring, that the martyr thing is unavoidable.

When I’m feeling really low and overwhelmed, depressed about how expensive everything is and how capitalism sucks, I feel totally alienated from my essential self and all the wonderful things that make me happy. In those times, I ask myself, “Whose life am I living?” I suppose we all dip into that abyss every now and then, don’t we?

But fortunately, we’re wired to be optimistic, always looking for something positive to say, so that life isn’t just one long depressive episode, where we’re sitting on our beds, counting coins and the number of days left before Pay Day. 

Tonight, I danced. My dancing days are Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, but this has been such a weird week, that I last danced on Sunday. When you dance, just like any other form of aerobic exercise, you get to a point where you’re so thoroughly warmed up, that it seems your body is running itself – it’s like your mind doesn’t need to be engaged, because you’re just a moving body. You’re the observer. I love the feeling! I always dance to music that I like, so it’s a pleasurable activity. The feeling of exercising rhythmically makes me smile and feel alive. In fact, with my current lifestyle, dancing is the most movement I do at any time – I don’t run and I don’t swim; I don’t even walk for exercise, which is something I love.

So while I was dancing tonight, with my body knowing what to do, I could drift off on an independent thought journey and contemplate the things in my life that make me happy, and that are in tune with my essential self. Right now, those things are dancing, playing my guitar and singing, writing, reading, being with people I love, and eating healthy food.  

And what about all those hours spent doing my day job? Well, I happen to be lucky there, as well, because I work in an established company, in a modern building, with a beautiful view. Most of the people are nice. More than that, I work in philanthropy, which enables me to be involved in making cool things happen for people who need various kinds of help. It’s important to me that my job and my value system are aligned. 

How awesome is this? Tomorrow morning, I’m going to be involved in something VERY exciting, at the Sekunjalo Delft Music Academy, but I can’t give details - it’s a secret. Oooooooh!!!!

Looks like I’ll be doing another blog post soon.  Yay! I love writing! 

                                                           Thurs 12 July 2018

Weigh Day

There's a day in my life that's come to rival the significance of Pay Day, and that's Weigh Day.

I weigh myself every fortnight, on a Sunday morning. I drive through to Claremont, and make my way to the public scale in one of the passages in Cavendish Connect. I look forward to weighing myself, because it's my way of holding myself accountable to the goals I set in January this year. I get onto the scale - fully-clothed, with shoes - pop my R5 coin into the slot, wait a few seconds while the machine makes little buzzing sounds, and then, like magic, it appears on the screen - the info I've spent the past two weeks being curious about: my weight. 

I wait for the printout, enter the info onto my phone, where I update all my goals, and off I go.

Today was Weigh Day, and I got up, did my laundry, got showered and dressed, and  made my way to Claremont. When I approached the scale, there was no "Out of Order" sign on it, so my daughter commented, "At least it's not out of order." When we got to it, however, it was not connected - in fact it was not even plugged in! Undaunted, I asked the security gentleman if we could plug it in, only to be told that it was, in fact, OUT OF ORDER!!! This is not the first time - in fact, it's the third.

I was really annoyed. I hate being dependent on something or someone that keeps disappointing me. When that happens, I take steps to release myself from both the dependency and the disappointment. I decided I'd buy my own scale, and just stick to my fortnightly ritual. Looked at a couple of scales, checked the prices and what the scales allegedly do, and decided I'd wait a while before buying myself one. Maybe at the end of the month.

And then we worked our way through our list for the morning, and I felt strangely liberated, not having weighed. I resolved to continue in a disciplined way for the next two weeks, and then check if the scale is working. I'll keep setting my goals, and see how it goes.

Actually, there's a scale at a pharmacy, not too far from where I work. Hmmmmm......  Maybe tomorrow will be Weigh Day.

Living my truth

Because music courses through my veins, there's very little in my life that isn't set to music. In fact, how I usually know that something isn't right for me, is when there's no music involved. It might sound strange, but I think there are enough people reading this who know what I mean. I even sing my affirmations, because they have to be said repetitively; I turn each one into a song, and that makes the five minutes go really fast. I use the singing of the affirmation to do a few vocal things - I suppose you'd call them warm ups.

One of my affirmations emerged as a song, one day while I was driving, tapping a beat on the steering wheel:
I  - always live my truth
Always live my truth
Always live my truth
I  - attract into my life
Attract into my life
Things that are my truth

I have no, no time for bullshit
I have no, no time for bullshit
I have no, no time for bullshit
No, no! No no time for bullshit

I  - always live my truth
Always live my truth
Always live my truth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, so it's definitely not something I'd sing at a concert :-), but affirmations have to express one's essence, firmly held views or aspirations, right? Haha!

What do I mean when I refer to living one's truth? It basically refers to anything in our lives where we choose a path that's right for us. It refers to political convictions, diet, choice of hobbies, choice of careers, choice of friends, choice of forms of expression - artistic or otherwise - and so much more.

In 2003, I did the Mind Power course with Robin Banks, and one of the many things that gripped me during the course was his saying, when explaining the Six Laws of the Mind,  that if we didn't like being part of something, we could simply walk away from it - we had a choice to be part of something or not. It sounds so obvious,  but think about it - how many times do you find yourself chatting to a group of people you like, when the topic turns to something you'd rather not be part of? It's not that easy to walk away. Not easy, but not impossible.

I could write about this for hours, but I just want to plant a seed today.

Two thoughts:
1. Up until the age of 32, I was denied the vote in the country of my birth. I vowed to myself, in April 1994, when I voted in South Africa's first democratic election, that I would celebrate my freedom by making well-considered choices wherever possible. (I don't always get it right, but it's a goal.)

2. Earlier this year, someone walked around the office, offering doughnuts to everyone. Everyone but me. It was a huge moment for me, because it meant my colleagues had finally understood that all my No-thank-yous meant they shouldn't even bother offering me. If I could get people to understand and respect that about me, I can get them to understand that they shouldn't even bother trying to gossip to me - it's something I don't want any part of. This one's a bit more complicated, because a decent conversation can quickly descend into a gossip session, which is when I have to choose how to walk away - I either have to indicate verbally that I'm not interested, or make some excuse to leave the company. The braver choice - but not the easier one - is the first one.

I suppose it's like anything else we want to get right, in our lives - practise,  practise, practise, until it becomes second nature.

Have a cool day.

Live your truth.

                                                          At home - 20 June 2018.

Today's my original goal-weight date

After I started the Sleekgeek Reboot programme on 8 Jan this year, and saw the rate at which I was losing weight, I set two goals:  to lose 10kg by the Jazz Festival (CTIJF), and to lose a total of 15,7kg by 30 June 2018 - TODAY!!

The good news is that I exceeded the interim goal by a little bit, which blew my mind! I'd lost 10,2kg in under three months, and I was convinced I'd have no problem losing the remaining 5,5kg within the next three months.

So, here we are, it's 30 June, and I am 3,7kg from my goal weight. And how do I feel? I feel just fine! My weight loss has slowed down, and I'm simply continuing, because this is my new normal, and not a temporary thing. So at this stage, I'm continuing with my programme and won't be too hooked on the date. All I know is, I WILL achieve my goal weight, just on a different date. :-) 

The really cool thing is that this journey was originally about tackling one area of my life in which I felt stuck, in order to start liberating myself in other areas. How's that going? Really well. Am I learning principles and techniques that would serve me well in other challenges I'll be tackling? Indeed!

What is the biggest lesson about NOT having reached my goal weight by the goal date? It is that  some of the trimmings we attach to goals are not nearly as significant as the many other wonderful lessons we learn along the way and the longer-term, more lasting changes we undergo when we take a leap of faith and choose to break patterns that no longer serve us.

Will I reach my goal weight by the end of July? August? Before my birthday, in September? I don't know.

What I do know is that, for as long as I am able to choose my thoughts, I will wake up every day, uttering this affirmation: "It's a new day, and I commit to healthy choices - just for today."

                                       Healthy food choices for my day at work - June 2018

Thinking about parties

Today, a group of people who'd worked together in a different office until recently, threw a surprise birthday party for someone in the group. We all had to be in the venue before he got there, obviously, to shout SURPRISE, so we made our way to the room and waited for him. This was round about lunch time and for the previous hour I'd been literally salivating at the thought of connecting with my healthy lunch that I'd made last night - my yumscious chicken, my salad and my sweet potato chips. But I had been called to the venue with no time to heat my lunch, so off I went, to celebrate the life of a really cool colleague.

The table was laden with cake, cake and more cake, Oh, and some sweet pastries and some biscuits. And to drink? Fizzy cooldrinks. I had a dilemma - I wasn't interested in anything on offer, but I didn't want to look like I wasn't part of the party. It took me just a few seconds to get over the dilemma - which wasn't a dilemma after all: I just didn't eat or drink anything. I was at peace with my decision (which was more of a realisation than a decision). I chatted here and there, and a few people commented, thinking I was too shy to dish. Eventually people realised I wouldn't be eating anything, and they quickly got over their concern.

But something I gathered, from certain comments, was that the impression most people had was that I was standing there, craving the cake with all my might, but that my will power was so strong, that I could say no. That's not it at all. I was just not interested. I have, in fact, achieved a very important personal goal, and I am super chuffed: I am switched off those kinds of things. It's like being offered something I'm allergic to.

Don't get me wrong - I have indeed partaken of the mighty Oreo (my daughter's favourite biscuit) in recent weeks; the bigger picture is, I like my routine, it makes perfect sense to me, and when I'm hungry, I don't want to eat anything other than my healthy food. Besides, it's always so lekker, man! :-)   

It got me thinking about alternative ways to cater for a party. Hmmmm......

Facebook post at breakfast time

"It's a new day, and I commit to healthy choices - just for today."  Trudy Rushin :-)

My breakfast of choice, as I revise my way of living, and move towards things that make more sense to me: oats, cooked with some chia seeds (protein-rich), a few dabs of butter, a few slices of banana, a sprinkle of ground cinnamon and a small drizzle of honey. 

You may be surprised that I look forward to this meal - I celebrate the new day, and give thanks that I am fortunate enough to eat breakfast every day and that I have a choice.

Peace to you all.

It's as complicated as you make it

Something that many people ask for, when they start out on the Sleekgeek 30-Day Reboot eating plan, is a meal plan. (The Sleekgeek team are happy to supply you with one. Just ask.) Personally, I love the freedom to check out the Allowed and Allowed-in-moderation lists and come up with my own interesting and tasty combinations. I think it's because I'm easily bored, and yes, ''creative''.

I can assure you that ALL my friends and family reading this are thinking, "But wait.... aren't you the one who hates cooking?!" Guess what - not anymore!

So, one of the things I do every evening is prepare the next day's lunch and snacks. I eat what's allowed (with a few minor exceptions*), and I have fun - I love different textures and colours, and even temperatures.

I make sure my lunch has protein, then I add salad, and occasionally a hot veg. For my morning snack, I have nuts (protein = brain food) and when money's too tight for nuts, I must admit, I snack on Salticrax*. Plain, and not the whole box, asseblief!

My afternoon snack, which I usually eat in the car on my way home, is sliced fruit.

By the time I get to work, I look like I'm about to give  a Tupperware demonstration.

So, here's my stuff for tomorrow:

Top left - salad (lettuce, tomato, cucumber and yellow pepper). Top right - sliced apples and oranges.
Bottom left - oven roasted sweet potato chips. Bottom right - Yumscious Chicken!

Tonight I did a small variation on a theme, to produce my Yumscious Chicken:
1. I melted coconut oil in a pan. (We cook with coconut oil most of the time.)
2. I made a smoortjie with garlic, red pepper and tomato. Seasoned with salt.
3. I set the smoortjie aside, leaving a bit in the pan.
4. I sliced two chicken breasts (enough for two meals) into little strips, and seasoned them with salt, pepper and a dash of sweet chili sauce.*
5. I  added more coconut oil to the pan, turned the heat up, and tossed the chicken in.
6. When the chicken looked nice and happy, I put the smoortjie back in the pan, and added some chopped fresh dhanya and a little bit of coconut milk. Voila! Yumscious Chicken!   

Remember I said one of my 6 rules was to enjoy every day of my life? Well, can you see why?
It's as complicated as you make it. I really can't wait to eat my lekker lunch and snacks tomorrow.

(Oh my word, I feel like a food blogger!)

How I lost 12kg in 5 & a half months

As with any change that anyone succeeds at implementing, there are many factors that contribute to  successful weight loss. Even when a number of people follow the same plan/programme, the participants could all have different results, because of these factors.

I will share my story with you. And that’s all it is – my story. If any part of it sparks something in you, to tackle a challenge you’ve been considering, that’s very cool.  

1.       I’d been feeling dissatisfied with my weight for a while, and knew I’d reached an all-time  low, when I started dreading looking at photos of myself.

2.       I watched, throughout 2017, as a friend who had changed her eating habits, steadily lost 33kg in one year. (Her name is Chantel Erfort Manuel.)  

3.       I admitted to myself that I needed to make a DRASTIC change, to address my situation.

4.       I acknowledged that I needed HELP.

5.       I approached Chantel to be my COACH; she was someone I TRUSTED, and someone who’d been through what I was about to embark on. She’d basically proved to me what was possible.

6.       I decided to try the same programme she had successfully used - no need to reinvent the wheel.

7.       I started with the Sleekgeek 30-day Reboot programme, to rewire my brain and body.

8.       Within a few days, I started feeling the benefits, and I knew that this was right for me. 

9.       The enjoyed the foods on the Allowed list, and realised that I could actually sustain this way of eating.

10.   I also realised that I needed to ‘’Trudify’’ it a bit, to make it something that I could stick to for the rest of my life: I basically included a few items on the Not Allowed list, because I believed I could still be healthy eating/drinking them: I ate oats for breakfast, legumes as my main source of protein and I added milk to my coffee.

11.   My coach created a WhatsApp group for the 13 people who'd started on the same day, 8 Jan 2018.

12.   I joined a Facebook support group (Sleekgeek Reboot Support), where people on the programme shared their recipes, experiences, challenges and successes. Never underestimate the power of photos!!!

These groups became an important part of my journey. I liked the fact that I could check in with other people, read their stories, and still pursue my authentic journey. I liked the fact that I didn’t have to GO anywhere – everything was just a click away. But the hard work was still up to each of us, as individuals.

13.   I loved being free to tailor-make the Sleekgeek programme to my unique preferences.

14.   I made a conscious decision to ENJOY EVERYTHING I ATE, so I prepared meals with INGREDIENTS I ENJOYED EATING. (I still do, and I look forward to every meal. This is a great approach, I find. I have NO intention of suffering!)

15.   I did the mental exercises I needed, to keep myself motivated and inspired.

16.   I watched motivational Youtube talks.

17.   I read inspiring books. (Am busy re-reading The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron.)

18.   I WROTE ALL THE TIME, reflecting on my achievements, talking myself through my challenges, and setting new goals. (Writing/journalling has always been my best way of processing life’s ups and downs.)

19.   I shared my success story with whomever was interested. I share the Sleekgeek website  (http://www.sleekgeek.co.za/reboot/) and Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/groups/SleekgeekREBOOT/)  as often as I can.

20.   I have taken PHOTOS, throughout my journey, to keep track of my progress. (This is very important, because you will plateau and you will be tempted to think you’re a failure – that’s when you need to look at your pics, to get some perspective.)

6 Jan 2018: 84,7kg

9 June 2018: 72,6kg

***************************************************************************

I’d like to add these three points:

- I’ve been clear, from the start, that THIS WAS JUST ONE AREA OF MY LIFE WHERE I HAD BECOME STUCK. I chose the most difficult one, to prove to myself that I was capable of making meaningful change in my life, and that I could do so while remaining true to myself. I didn’t have to become someone else. I believed that if I could nail this one, I could tackle other parts of my life where I felt stuck; I would just apply the same principles.

- Even before I started the Sleekgeek lifestyle, I used to read people’s weight loss stories, and something saddened me: many people, despite having lost weight, or even having reached their goal weights, still had very low self-esteem, and carried the scars of the years of ridicule and discrimination they’d endured, as a result of being overweight.  I told my coach my view on this: I believe that a parallel process of psychotherapy is necessary, when on a weight loss programme.  If not psychotherapy, then a similar process that helps the person re-align the self-image/esteem with the physical changes. Things change, and you need to be comfortable with who you are becoming, as you lose weight. (On a deeper level, losing weight will not make you happier if there are serious emotional/psychological issues you need to work through.)

- Thirdly, and most importantly, the way we feel about our bodies is a very personal matter. I chose to lose my excess weight, gained over 24 years, because I was not comfortable. I do not want this to be confused with fat-shaming. This is my personal choice for myself. As my friends and colleagues will attest, I never criticise other people’s bodies or meal choices. It’s inappropriate.

*******************************************************************************

This is my list of 6 Trudy Rules, since 08/01/18:

1.       Eat a low-carb, sugar-free diet, with a focus on fresh food and a move away from  processed foods.

2.       Drink lots of water and green tea.

3.       Exercise three times a week. (I dance in my room for +- 45 minutes.)

4.       Do the mental work to support the physical activity of eating healthily. (I do Mind Power exercises, watch motivational videos and read inspiring articles and books.)

5.       Write, throughout the process.

6.       Enjoy every day of my life.

*********************************************************************************

TWO important things that help me stay on track:

i) Eat five meals a day, roughly three hours apart.

ii) Be prepared – I shop with a plan, prepare my meals ahead of time, and take a healthy snack with me in case I’m delayed somewhere. Every night, I prepare my lunch for the next day at work.

*********************************************************************************

A typical day’s meals:

Breakfast: oats cooked with some chia seeds, eaten with a few dabs of butter, sliced banana and a sprinkle of ground cinnamon. Ok, I sometimes add honey (Not allowed!).

Mid-morning snack: A handful of nuts & seeds from Allowed list. I sometimes add raisins, sultanas or dates.

Lunch: Stir-fried chicken strips (in butter, with spices of my choice), on a bed of salad (lettuce, tomato, cucumber, yellow pepper, dhanya, whatever). At work, I re-heat the chicken and toss it with the salad veg. Oh, and I add a bit of mayo (Not allowed! I need to learn to make paleo mayo).

                  Lunch: hot chicken,  bit of smoortjie and a basic salad. And mayo! Mmmm!

Mid-afternoon snack: Sliced fruit. I prepare this the night before - usually apples and oranges. I’ve been getting really hungry in winter, so I often take a banana to work.

Supper: Can either be exactly what I had for lunch (depending on how much chicken I prepared) or some other kind of protein (sautéed chickpeas, for example), a smoortjie ( I love!) and hot veg. I have grown to equate healthy-meals-that-make-me-happy with salad, so I eat salad with lunch and supper.

                         Supper: salad, chicken strips, smoortjie and roasted butternut strips.

I drink water throughout the day, and enjoy hot drinks as well.

I am not enjoying winter, and can’t wait for it to end!!! 

And that’s that!

Don’t say I keep things to myself! 😊